The Conundrum of Power and Control

Looking at the recent releases of movies for the summer I see a recurrent theme.

Humankind's blatant misuse of power and control run through all these movies. I saw X-Men III tonight. It demonstrates my conundrum theory to a 'T'. I don't want to give away the movie to those who haven't seen it, but there are examples spread throughout.

Basically, the conundrum is this: At some point those in control will try to control those with power. Those with power often are unable to control their power and will eventually fall to their own strengths. The conundrum comes into play when those in control are pressing for to change things to their way of thinking good or bad. They realize that those who have power are becoming a threat to their ideology. Here is where the conundrum begins to envelop and consume both power and control.

Those who are in control of the plight for good eventually find someone in their own ranks that has become a threat to the stability of their way of life. They manipulate this peer hoping to keep them from getting out of control. In doing so, they violate their own principles in the name of maintaining good. The same happens with those in control of the plight for evil.

Those who have the power in any given situation are frequently not those who have the authority or the ability to control that power. They rise rapidly through the ranks of their peers because of their power. Eventually, they become unsatisfied by their lack of control over their own power and will often flip sides until one side or the other or both must rise up to squelch them.

As both the above continue to build, they consume each other. This causes those in control to lose control and ultimately those with power self-destruct just as they think they have gained control. Their lack of self control makes them ill fitted to control their peers. Those that were in control now become overrun by new factions. These new factions build their strengths on knowledge and power that have been gleaned from those who are now falling from control and power. The strengths of the powerful and the knowledge that allowed those in control to be in such positions have now become their weakness.

The vicious cycle starts over to continue without end. The only possible end is to continue.

So, this sounded really great in my head, especially when the images from X-Men III are still vibrant. You're probably confused after reading this but it makes sense to me and I guess that's all that is required.

Communications Breakdown

Why is it that in the world we live in, there are always obstacles in our way? One of the biggest obstacle in my life is communication. I can feel comfortable talking to the CEO of the company about any subject he throws at me, yet I have trouble telling someone right in front of me what I think or how I feel.

The problem isn't with the person usually. It is with the situation at hand. I can talk to anyone about vacation or tell corny jokes. Business is not an issue in most cases. The biggest obstacle I face is telling special people in my life how I feel. Most of the time, I get so frustrated with myself that end up writing down my feelings, never to show them to the person that should know. This has happened to me since high school. I think it partly has to do with how my family dealt with relationships growing up.

There was never any discussions about how relationships work or problems in my parents relationship. They never really argued much in front of me. Everything would just get quiet. Seems like any time a subject dealing with relationships came up, silence immediately followed. Feelings weren't discussed or addressed publicly, good or bad. Relationships weren't good or bad. They just were there. Between that and my own lack of relationships in high school, I sometimes wonder if I'm interpreting correctly. I set some stupid goals in school that I wouldn't make any commitments to any relationships until I was mentally and financially able to support them. I had seen too many friends and their families fall apart because of simple things. Things always just worked out in my family and watching other families tear apart because they didn't have money to by all the toys they wanted bothered me terribly. My family wasn't much for material things. We had what we needed and a few extras, but never anything extravagant. I enjoyed my childhood for the most part without all the frills.

Now, here I am, wondering why I can't say what I want to say to the special people in my life. I guess I still fear the response I'll get. I'm not afraid of the rejection. I've been rejected so often in my life that my goal of stability wasn't hard to manage. It kept getting pushed further and further down the road. I've put a lot of thought into why I can't just say what I feel and have come up with a two fold fear that holds me back. The strongest of the two fears is that in expressing how I feel, the intended recipient will be hurt by something I say or do and I will lose the special connection that I have with them. The second fear is only slightly less disturbing, that they will laugh because I have misinterpreted some sign along the way or worse, will have thought there was a sign that wasn't really there. Even now, I fear that this will be read and things will change.

Change isn't a bad thing. As a matter of fact, right now I crave change, if its the right change. Some day, maybe, I'll let those special people in my life read what I have written. It's not much but it contains the emotion pent up, tearing at my soul to be released. This blog and the Yahoo 360 blog have been attempts to strengthen my resolve to express my feelings. Slowly, I grow more confident in myself. The hardest part has been learning to trust my feelings and learning to trust that the special people in my life care for me because I am who I am.

Time Flies...

Wow! Can't believe its May already!

Where did the year go? 4 months up and gone. I guess that's what happens when you spend 90% of the first three months on the road travelling for work. I enjoy travelling and was sure when I got back home that I definately wanted to go back on the road again.

I think if I could save up some cash, I wouldn't mind taking a week or so vacation out west. I really don't think I will be able to afford it this year, although things are improving.

Weather is getting nicer and I have my weekends free now for the most part so maybe I can even do some weekend trips. That is, if gasoline doesn't become more valuable than gold. I definately will be making a couple trips that I know of.