Life as I know it.. or Stuff Happens

What A Blast! (Literally!)

2008-07-05T13:13:00.006-05:00

Another Fourth of July has come and gone.

Once again, I helped with the fireworks and a few other things for "The Party on the White House Lawn". Rick and his family put their all into this gig every year. Their last name is White aka the name of the party. They spend a lot of time... and money getting ready for the party. They deal with the mess during and after, year after year. The party seems to get better each go 'round. This year was the thirteenth year.

There was a crowd from the start this year. I'm not sure I recall a year when the turn out has been this good. Part of the bargain is that you bring a covered dish or dessert and Rick provides the hot dogs, burgers and suds (beer). I think we had food coming out our ears this year. At one point early on, I tried to count the number of guests. I was well over 80 and that didn't include those that were at the front of the food line that I couldn't see.

It seems the last few years, we have fought rain at some point during the day. There would be a quick shower mid afternoon. Just enough to crank up the humidity. This year the weather guessers smiled on us. Forecasts called for a twenty percent chance of rain which bumped up to thirty percent between three and six o'clock. Weather radar showed rain showers and heavy storms to our south, but we remained rain-free all day. About six-thirty(ish), the temperature was in the mid-seventies, with a nice breeze. Perfect for the launch festivities at dark.

We hung out at the pool as long as we could before having to go prep the launch site. The water was cool when you first got in. That's not such a bad thing though, when you're one of the folks on the launch crew for the fireworks show. Only one cell phone got damaged this year... that we know of. People tend to get thrown in the pool. The throw ers.. don't always take time to find out if the throw ees have any valuables in their pockets before the throw ing takes place.

The fireworks went off without a hitch this year. I mentioned the breeze earlier because a gentle breeze blows the smoke out of the area. We had one party a few years ago where the air was moist and stagnant. The smoke hung low across the launch site. Shots from the ground displays or low aerial shells got lost in the haze. All you could see was a colored flash. We had a nice sized crew this year. We didn't have to have one or two people racing around to launch mortors. I usually end up being one of the ones racing, but I don't mind. Its fun. We always have the attention of the local police, but usually its because they come to watch. All of us that help with the party try to make things as safe as possible for the guests. The police see this and don't give us any trouble.

Even though I didn't get home about three this morning and I didn't sleep well thanks to my sore back, I chalk this year up as a great party. Rick, Delores (AKA Mrs White or Rick's Mom), Tam and the gang deserve a round of applause for hosting a great party. A party that now seems to keep the whole town entertained.

Great Job! Keep up the good work! It was a blast! (Literally!)

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T08:31:00.009-05:00

I changed my MySpace Profile, www.myspace.com/captcurt31, in honor of Memorial Day. Memorial Day is a day that we are to reflect deeply on what our military forces have given for each one of us.

My father and all of my uncles served in various branches of the service. I listened to my Uncle Don tell stories from his service in Korea. I watched his eyes tear up any time any patriotic song was played. He's gone now, but he was one of the most patriotic people I knew.

There's something special about those who have served in the military. They develop a bond that few others experience throughout their lives. I see men (and women), well into their years, some with disabilities brought home from far off lands when they were just young men. They come out to share their experience whenever the oppurtunity arises. They wear their pride in their service as a medal of honor. Well they should, for many of them were not asked to serve, they were told they had to go. They did what had to be done.

I salute the men and women of today's armed forces. They choose to enlist and make the sacrifices required of them. Many of them joined during times of peace, when the military was a way to get hands-on training and an education. Many, who could have ended their service when their hitch was up, reenlisted and have been back to conflict areas two or three times. Many have gone to fight and made the ultimate sacrifice.

If you are a family member of a serviceman or woman, I salute you as well. You know the risks your husband, wife, brother, sister, son or daughter face. I would guess many a night are spent awake after hearing some story on the news about an incident involving U.S. troops. You endure many long days and nights waiting for them to return home.

To all who serve, those who's loved ones serve currently or who's loved ones gave their final breath in service, whether in war or peace...

Thank you for all that you do/have done.

What a gas...

2008-03-02T01:44:00.002-05:00

I had to call the fire department this evening around 9:15ish. Out of nowhere, I started smelling natural gas. I heat my house with natural gas, so I immediately started checking around the stove and in the basement. It seemed strongest at the back of the house, but not so much in the basement.

I opened the door to check outside and "WOW!" I grabbed my coat and a flash light and headed out. The neighbors have been doing some major construction so I though maybe they broke some line somewhere. Nope, It was coming from somewhere else and whereever it was... It wasn't good.

I called 911. The fire and police departments came down. The police officer who was first on scene noticed it immediately. I noted to the 911 dispatcher and to the officer that there is a gas well across the river that might have popped off. A check in and around the houses found nothing, so they sent a police cruiser over to the well site. He called back that it was really bad over there. The fire department had 911 call the well operators to have them check on it.

The smell slowly broke down, but I had a pretty good dose of it in my house. These are the times when I wish I'd already been able to replace the old windows and doors in this place. I turned up the ceiling fan in the kitchen and opened a window out on the back porch to help blow out the smell, without drafting out too much of my green out of my wallet in heating costs.

Things seem ok now. Hopefully, whatever caused it is remedied and this doesn't become a nightly thing.

Right out of Dilbert...

2008-02-26T21:47:00.005-05:00

So here we are, the four of us, sitting in my boss' office. The meeting was called to fine tune details of a multi-phase project that we are trying to get approved. It will give us full redundant power, new environmental controls and some other items desperately needed in the Data Center.

I guess the first thing you need to understand is that, as Project Manager, I was just brought into this project recently. The second thing is that, no matter how hard he tries, my boss does not understand electrical loading and proves it frequently. During a meeting a couple weeks ago, we were discussing what all was entailed in putting this new electrical system in. The electrician laid out all the equipment he was going to need to put in. Having experience in power distribution for amp racks, cameras, lighting and other goodies, I quickly recognized a problem. We were about to embark on putting two very large transformers into the same room as our sensitive equipment, servers, switches and such. These items like clean stable power and are do not like to be exposed to stray electromagnetic interference and heat. These two transformers are basically huge wire wound magnetic fields generators that produce enough heat to fry your breakfast. We won't even get into the noise switching gear that goes in with them to kick everything over to the generators in the event of power failure. Let's just call putting all this stuff in the Data Center space "a bad idea at best".

At this point, I'll let you in another little fact. There is an office in the Network Services space just outside the Data Center. There has been noone put into this office since it was vacated by its previous tenant. This has been because of not wanting to have any one Network Services employee be given prefernce over the other (also known as preventing bad feelings). As the equipment was spelled out on the white board before us, I immediately sensed impending doom from two fronts. The first being: "Where the heck is all this stuff going to fit in an already crowded Data Center?" Secondly, and no less important: "What kind of heat and interference are we going to inject into the room with this equipment?" We are already doubling the size of the air handler to a 20 ton unit.

My brain immediately clicks on a solution that will fix our power equipment concerns AND solve the problem with who gets that spare office. "Put all this gear in the spare office." I state, almost like I knew what I was doing. "Its wall is the outside block wall of the Data Center, making it the perfect place for an Electrical Room." Bells and whistles go off. Lights begin to flash and the room is abuzz with chatter as everyone agrees that would solve all our issues. Heat, Electromagnetic Noise, Radio Frequency Interference and Vibration all become non-issues as the room is on building ventilation and its outside the concrete walls of the Data Center, yet close enough to meet codes and wiring requirments.

Back to today's meeting. We are going over the details again. The project now has gone from replacing the HVAC Unit and some wiring to a full five, yes count 'em five, phases. My boss proclaims in a very loud voice "I'm glad I thought of using that office as an electrical room!" I didn't say a word. I didn't have to. The electrician and the guy that deals with our facilities both turned and looked right at me like "He stole your idea as his own!?" I guess these guys don't read Dilbert. I knew the boss would do that. It made him look like a genius to the directors because he was solving a bunch of issues with a room we already had built. HAHA! That's the way it goes. We all got a good chuckle out of it after he left the room.

Lunar Eclipse

2008-02-21T08:26:00.003-05:00

Last night we had a lovely lunar eclipse. I thought at first we wouldn't be able to see it due to cloud cover. The clouds broke and the moon stayed clearly visible for about 2 hours. I took a lot of photos with my Canon Powershot 560 camera varying ISO and other settings just to see what kind of night pictures it took.

I had almost forgotten about the eclipse when the phone rang. It was Mom calling to ask if I'd seen the moon yet. I jumped outside real quick and found it to be way too cold to stand out without protection for my hands and feet. I went back in and put on some warmer clothes then grabbed the camera and tripod. I'm tinkering with Photoshop to throw a few of the images together to see the progression. I didn't get quite as many good pictures as i would have liked.

Dad found my telescope while they were cleaning out closets at their place. I should have brought it down to my place and taken the pictures through it. They would have come out much better. Oh well, live and learn. I really hadn't thought that we'd even be able to see the sky due to the expected cloud cover.

Some days ya just feel old

2008-02-20T10:37:00.001-05:00

Did you ever have one of those days where you just feel old? Today is one of those days for me.

I was sitting at home messing around on the computer last night, when Mom informed me that an old family friend had passed away about 10:30pm. “Lilly” was 97. She had been one of my grandmother’s closest friends in later years. As we discussed Lilly’s last few years, it brought back memories of my grandmother just before she passed away. Just like Grandma, Lilly too had dementia which greatly affected her daily life. As the mind went away, the past became the present. Memories long laid dormant by age, suddenly sprang to life. With Grandma, it was the coal furnace. Any time she got cold, the coal must be running low in the furnace. Lilly had similar things that came to the forefront. Lilly had broken her hip recently and had been taken to a personal care home. Her health was never really the same after that. It seems that trauma to the body weakened the frail hold that the mind had on its current reality.

As we talked, I thought about things of the past. Have you ever been part of a church or local organization for a long period of time? You get to know the families of those involved. As the years pass, new people come and go, but there are always those certain individuals that remain part of the scene. It was this way at our church. Lilly was the last of my grandmother’s generation. In our discussion, we found that Clint is the only person remaining between Lilly and Mom/Dad’s generation. This realization was a bit rough for Mom, even more so, with her recent bouts with Cancer. As it is with everything, the old generation passes the torch to the next. I myself found myself feeling old.

I don’t think much about Grandma and Grandpa anymore. It’s been a long time since they passed away. Lilly’s passing has brought back memories, both happy and sad. I’ll go to the funeral home for calling hours and such. Our families have been friends for almost all of my 40 years. I know her family will miss her, but just like with my grandma, Lilly’s mind is now free from the confusion of the dementia. Her body is free from pain. She is now in a far better place.

Another weekend passes

2008-02-18T20:41:00.003-05:00

This weekend was a long weekend due to President's Day. I work for a government contractor and they declared today a paid holiday. Almost any day to take off and still get paid, is as good a reason as any to avoid the office.

It turned out to be a nice weekend to get things done. I started out Saturday morning with getting the oil changed in the truck, washing the truck and getting my hair cut. I came home. Took a break, then headed off to clean the bathroom. I cleaned up the kitchen a little, emptying the dishwasher and loading up my soup bowls.

Sunday, I continued picking things up around the house. I took the afternoon off to go up to Mom and Dad's to watch the Daytona 500 in High Def on their new flat screen tv. I am still amazed at the brilliance of color and the amount of detail you can see. Fox did their typical funky job of broadcasting a race. They haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Camera mounts were shoddy, allowing the cameras to wiggle and bobble when the cars roared past. Shot direction was pourly chosen with a couple of occassions during the pre-show catching their own cameramen out of position or shooting other camerman who were goofing off. Hopefully, they will get it together in time.

I came home after the race. I spent an hour or so surfing the net while waiting for the new Knight Rider TV Movie to come on. I enjoyed the old Knight Rider and was interested to see how the new show went over. There have been multiple attempts, failures is more like it, to create new Knight Rider shows. This one seemed the best I've seen so far. The Mustang seemed to pull of KITT successfully. I'm not sure about Val Kilmer as the voice of KITT though. At times, his voice lost the steady, emotionless strength of a computer and became kind of wishy washy. Some of the new technologies onboard were pretty cool. The ananamorphic armor skin that was self-healing and could change color and features of the exterior of the car was interesting. We didn't get to see many more of KITT's weapons other than its anamorphic armor and its high speed mode. If the show becomes a series, it will be interesting to see how they shake KITT down.

The show ended and I came back to the computer to kill some time. I wasn't very tired and didn't feel like reading. I looked at my MySpace page and thought "Ya know, I don't even know if anyone looks at this thing anymore, but I'm getting tired of the eagle background." I proceded to come up with a Knight Rider themed page using the Mustang as the center piece. I ended up monkeying with photoshop until almost 2 in the morning. I finally came up with something I liked, although I still may redo KITT again. I blurred him to make him fit into the page better, but when I saved it to the profile, he came out too blurred. At 2 am, I was too tired to post the changes to my account, so I left the eagle fly one more night.

Today, Monday, I got up to freezing rain and snow, again. I poked around and posted the redone MySpace Profile. I spent the morning talking to a couple of friends. During one conversation, I got a good laugh. It turns out there appears to be a rumor out there of the demise of my single status. I assure you that this is NOT the case. I don't know where these rumors start. This one is a stretch at best. It gets even better since I'm not talking to the individual that I'm supposed to be getting hitched with. Oh well, just more fuel on the never ending fires of life.

I'll close here for tonight and see what tomorrow brings. I wouldn't be surprised to find more snow and ice.

Do Weather Guys Get Paid Well?

2008-02-02T15:32:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here this afternoon wondering something. Do weather people get paid well?

Yesterday, we had the freezing rain/sleet/snow deal. Last night before I went to bed, I intentionally took the time to watch the weather on the news. Two different stations both exclaimed that today would be sunny with no snow or rain and we should hit somewhere around 40 degrees.

I went over to the Post Office this morning. I found that it was snowing with a mixed in freezing mist. I did my running around and came home and it was still doing the same thing. Its now 3:35 in the afternoon. Its still gloomy out. I wish I could get paid good money to look at some computer screens and throw out a proverbial guess as to what the weather will do in the coming days.

I guess its a good day to curl up and read. I think that's what I'll do... Maybe later I'll go get drunk. That would be something new for a change.

Weird Dreams and Other Stuff...

2008-01-30T08:55:00.000-05:00

The last week or so, I have tried to get into the habit of reading at least a half an hour or so before going to sleep. I enjoy reading but usually only do so when I feel like it. I don't know if that has something to do with last night or not.

I went to bed. I read about 2 and a half chapters of my current book. The windows were rattingly as it was extremely windy with a combination of rain and snow pelting down in between. The clock read 12:38 when I decided to put the book down and turn the light off. I laid there in the dark listening to the wind and rain as I drifted off.

I had a rather weird dream, not that the dreams I usually remember are anything less than weird. I had gone out on a Saturday with a gal from work. She lived to the east of the office so I drove over to her place and we went from there. We did whatever it was that we had planned and I headed home for the night. I took the back roads home as her house wasn't near the interstate. As I crossed one lonely stretch, headlights suddenly appeared to my right. I was about to be hit by a truck that was flying out of the middle of a farmer's field.

The impact was hard, centered just in front of my passenger door. It sent my truck spinning and tumbling across the road. I awoke in the hospital some unknown amount of time later. I had suffered only some minor cuts and bruising. The doctors told me they would keep me overnight to observe me as I was unconscious when the ambulance crew brought me in. I was eventually moved to a room. It wasn't until then that I realized that it was morning.

A state cop showed up and asked me if I recalled what happened. I explained as best I could. The lights seemed to come on just as the truck came to the edge of the field, making avoiding the collision almost impossible. The officer told me that there were 5 people in the truck. The driver had been killed when his truck burst into flame. The impact had trapped him behind the wheel. The two passengers in the front seat had managed to escape the burning wreckage but were both critically injured. Two other people had been thrown from the bed of the truck. The police still weren't sure what the group were doing in the field, but all the occupants of the second truck were drunk beyond the state's legal limit. As dawn broke, they found another truck buried up to its axles in mud far back in the field. Apparently, the two guys in the bed of the truck were from the stuck vehicle.

The doctors released me from the hospital. I was told that since I had a desk job, I could go work if I wanted, but I probably should take a day or two off to rest up. The police officer came back just before I went home to tell me they had questioned one of the lesser injured individuals and now had the whole story. They had notified the insurance company of the other driver and arrangements were being made to replace my truck and pay my medical bills. I went home to rest. On the way home, We stopped at the salvage yard where they had taken the remains of both vehicles. The officer had told us where they were. I wanted to get some pictures to send my insurance company, just in case things fell through with the other drivers company.

The next morning, I didn't feel like staying home to brood on the fact that the driver of the other truck had burned to death in his vehicle. Mom and Dad offered me one of their vehicles to drive to work. I got to work and began doing remedial tasks to pass the time. I was surprised that I didn't hurt more than I did for having been tumbled in what the pictures showed to be now little more than a couple thousand pound piece of scrap. Some time around 10 o'clock, our boss called us all into his office. He told us that one of the guys was killed over the weekend when he wrecked his truck. Instantly, a light went on in my brain. Could it be?! I rushed back to my desk leaving the whole gang wondering what was going on. I pulled up the pictures stored on my jump drive. I looked for signs of what the offending drivers truck might have been. As the boss and my coworkers came out to see why I had left in such a hurry, I explained that I too had been in an accident over the weekend and the driver of the other truck was killed. After looking at the pictures, we decided that the truck could have been his truck. The extent of the fire damage made it very difficult to identify the color or make of the vehicle.

I called the state trooper who interviewed me and asked if he had the other driver's name. He hadn't offered it and I hadn't thought to ask with everything going on. Sure enough, it turned out to be our coworker. The officer said he had talked further with one of the guys who had been thrown from the bed of the truck. Our co-worker had been up in that area for his bowling league night. Afterwards, a group of them had gone off-roading and got one of the trucks stuck. They had been riding out to get someone to help pull them out. They were thrown when the truck hit the ditch just before the edge of the road. The police now estimated the truck was going between 50 and 70 miles per hour when it hit the ditch.

That's where the dream ended and I awoke wondering why I would have such an odd dream. The guy who died in the dream is one I would consider a friend and he's not a bad guy. Odd... Odd indeed.

Taking advantage of a bargain

2008-01-26T21:06:00.000-05:00

Mom and dad's tv blew up this past week. They went a couple places and looked at several models, but decided they wanted me to go look at them too. Today was set aside as "drag Curtis all over the countryside day".

I told them that we should go to Best Buy or Circuit City so they could see all the different models side-by-side. This way they could choose based on features, price and quality of picture and could even play around with settings if they wanted. Off we went. Best Buy had a nice selection. One of the key things they were questioning was what size to buy as the new widescreen format was so different from the 27" tv they've had for the past 20+ years. I took a brochure from one of the displays.. held it up to a standard 27" tv that was on another shelf collecting dust and tore it to the screen height. We then went over to the flat panels and found which screen size was closest in height, the 37 inch ones. Why they wouldn't take the sales guy's word for that is beyond me, but he had told them the same thing.

We found a nice model... but she wouldn't come home with me.. errrr.. I mean... of tv. Mom wasn't sure as usual. She has to question everything she buys. She will find a nice dress or blouse and will drive all over the countryside to find it at other stores cheaper, only to come back to the original store to buy it. The cost of gas these days, she could have bought two and still saved money. Anyway, she and dad both want to go back to Sears and down to the appliance store where they bought their last tv. Ok, so we go.

At Sears, they have a 40" on sale for cheaper than the one they decided on at Best Buy. Its the better model, with a noticably better picture and features. We grab a sales idiot... errr guy. He says he'll have to check stock as that sale ends today and they won't be getting more of those in. He goes away and comes back. They only have the display and on that someone had bought and found that their cabinet was too small. He will give us the 'opened box' one that someone took home for an additional 5% off the sale price. My thoughts "OOOOOOO snatch it up!" That makes it $150 bucks cheaper than the one they wanted at Best Buy... AND.. Its a bigger and better model Best Buy's. Nope. We have to go to the Mom/Pop Appliance store to check their tvs.

We got the the M/P store and they have like 12 tvs total. Over half are small desktop sets. The guy at Sears had called a couple of local stores for another customer but no one else had that model in stock. I expressed that we should go back to Sears and get the 'open box' one. Instead, we had to satisfy their curiosity and go to the Sears store in New Castle first. They didn't have it. They had the model up from it, but it was substantially more expensive as it wasn't on sale.

Guess what!? Yep, they decide to come back to the first Sears to get the 'open box' tv. Its definitely a good price and the best picture quality that we looked at. We get back to the store and the guy says "I'm sorry. I just sold it." I was a little bit torqued but didn't say anything. What really irked me was that my dad always finds these kinds of bargains. He should have known to snatch it up then. No, we had to run all over God's creation spending gas and time. Oh well. I guess now they'll have to shell out the extra money for the other one at Best Buy. One of other sales guys told us as we were preparing to leave .... well... ok.. Mom cornered him to see if there were any other sales going to be starting... that the reason that particular model was selling so well was its quality AND the fact that its Super Bowl time. DOH! There won't be another sale till probably Christmas.

Strange things people do...

2008-01-25T11:11:00.000-05:00

I know we are all 'human', as they say, but I wonder how some people make the decisions about their lives. There have been several news articles of late that make me cringe about the status of our society.

In Youngstown this week, 6 members of a family were killed in a house fire. A house fire that was set by an 18 year old boy. The facts about the case haven't come to light as yet. Apparently this guy was seen or known to have been having issues with the family. Whatever the reason, this young man now faces 6 counts of homicide, multiple counts of arson, attempted homicide charges because there were other family members that did escape the house and he's now in jail with no bond or bail set. What was he thinking? I don't have a clue.

There was a car versus propane tanker crash this weekend. The driver of the car was killed in the explosion. Our local newspaper has an online subscription where not only can you read the article, but you can post comments about the story as well. The topic of all the comments was how inappropriate the picture and the article were in the way they were presented. Does anyone perhaps care just a little that a women died violently in this crash? It wouldn't seem so by the comments.

I know we all look at things from a different perspective and we each judge things based on that point of view. Some things are just too odd to explain.

Moving on to the next thing...

2008-01-24T12:50:00.001-05:00

Moving on from the events of earlier in the week, I got into some deep research to find missing data to put in our server database. I had to break out the shovel to dig up some of the information.

One of the key reasons I've been pushing to get the database information complete is that we have a meeting with HP tomorrow regarding our support contract. I wanted to be up to speed. I received an email just before lunch that the HP rep had a death in the family and won't be able to make it. The database is up to par now. I will work to keep it that way until we can all get together with the HP rep and hash out the contract details.

On other fronts, it got kind of noisey in the room, so I broke out my headphones. I was working along in my own little daze, when out of nowhere, I realized someone had walked in the room with heavy perfume on. I'm allergic to most perfumes. My eyes began to burn and my nose stuff up. Ironically, I was feeling good this morning after spending the last couple weeks with a sinus infection. So much for that. I have my sinus meds with me, but they do little to halt the effects of the perfume. Its after lunch now and things seem to have settled out a bit.

I hate to say anything to the person, but it is a business environment not a dinner party. I guess if she is going to continue to work in the office right beside my desk, I'll have to have a talk with my manager about it. I won't do like one of the ladies on the Helpless Desk did. She was offended by the perfumes and lotions used by one of her coworkers. She has chronic breathing problems, so she went straight to HR. HR sent out a letter to the Helpless Desk advice against the use of such perfumey agents and also sent a bottle of unscented hand lotion to all departments.

I don't think I need to resort to those means. I'll find something a little more diplomatic.

Anger, Hurt, Acceptance

2008-01-22T15:53:00.001-05:00

I have decided that I can't be angry with anything that has gone on. Well, not angry at anyone but myself for letting myself believe that things where other than that which they were. I will accept my part in this and burry the pain. It will be a marker for the future to remind me that this will not happen again.

I will give those who requested space their space. I notified them that a project I have maintained for them will continue to exist and I will update it as they request, if they wish to continue to do so. Our friendship has spanned 9 years and I don't want to completely wreck that at this point.

Where will we go from here? God is the only one who knows at this point. Hopefully, the time will come when I will find an appropriate target for my affections, until then, I will reign in whatever desires come about and hopefully keep my friend.

Ending a thought process

2008-01-22T13:46:00.001-05:00

How do you end a thought process that has led you to believe in something at apparently does not exist? There is no easy way. Today, we came to blows. I was informed that my views are mistaken and things will never be the way I want them to be. So be it.

Things have come to light that I have been concerned about over the past year. Several times I have approached a decision that left me heartbroken, so much so, that I refused to believe that the situation could be any different. It definitely is different. Apparently, I was not being given key information in an effort to 'protect me' from hurt. I feel that had I known this information early on, my feelings would not have grown to this point. Instead, I was lead to believe that the situation was different. It was not done intentionally to harm me, but it has. Erroneously, it was assumed that I would be hurt by knowing that other things were going on. I don't lay all blame on my not being informed. I asked the status of our relationship on three occasions, once the answer was wishy washy, the other times things which happened after led me to believe that the answer that was given was to cover being scared or some other thing. This was a mistake on my part. I freely admit that.

The statement that was made that really hurt me today, was "Everyone has been instructed to stop being kind to you and tell you any truth you ask of them about me." This is the knife that has ended my delusion and possibly a long friendship. I constantly hear this person say they never lie. They once told me they would never tell me lies about things going on in their life. Well, that obviously isn't quite the truth. While omitting the information may have seemingly spared the pain at the moment, it has led to our relationship become much more strained than any individual disclosure would have caused.

They say it takes two to tango. I admit my fault in this as much as anyone Else's. Time will tell whether we remain casual friends or not. Until today, I would have answered that I would remain friends, now... I need to think.

Backing away to save a friendship

2008-01-22T09:02:00.000-05:00

Things are still kind of rough with things in my friend's life. Yesterday, I was told by another of her friends that I was "hovering" and it was upsetting our mutual friend. I was told that this friend was upset with me and that I should heed her warning to back off or I would be told to F#$K Off.

I have a little problem with how this all unfolded. While I greatly appreciate my friend's need for space and will back off accordingly, I was angered by the fact that she sent her friend to tell me versus talking to me herself. I just recently told her that if she didn't want to talk about something or talk at all, all she had to do is tell me and I would understand. It hurts that she feels I'm hovering over her. Not long ago she was calling me every night after she left work. I had not asked her to. The events of these past few months have brought a distance between us that has affected our relationship.

I intentionally removed some of the friends from my friends list that were actually her friends to start. These are people I don't talk to often but consider them friends due to either getting to know them through her or talking to them since I met her. I did this for two reasons: 1) I don't want them getting drawn into the middle of things either by me or her 2) A comment was made about friends of friends last week, leading me to believe that there might be some hint of disturbance that I am talking to her friends. I don't want her to feel that I am spying on her or trying to keep track of her through them, so I feel this is the best.

I will pull back for as long as it takes. I won't say that it doesn't hurt. It does. Our friendship spans 9 years of good times and bad. I hate to lose it. I bit my tongue and did not lash out at her friend for interfering, although I had a mind to do so at the time. This would only have aggravated things beyond repair. I knew when this situation started that it was going to a long haul and there was a very good chance our friendship would end. I have worked diligently to avoid that. I hope I haven't gone too far. I don't usually pay much attention to horoscopes, but today's was an interesting one based on the events of yesterday.

For now, life takes a downward turn for me as I wait to find out how much damage is done. Sadly, All I can do is wait and see.

Started off 2008 real well...

2008-01-12T23:37:00.000-05:00

You know your year is going to go really well when you are coming home from the New Years party with your throat so sore you can hardly swallow.

Since then, things have gone even better. My main drain to my house clogged and began backing up into my bathtub and toilet. My best friend doesn't want to talk to me right now because of things going on in her life. Like an idiot, I made a joke the other day and it didn't sit real well. She says she'll forgive me but she isn't in the mood to talk to me. I can understand that, I guess.

I don't know all details of her issues and I haven't asked. This is one of those situations that I don't really want to know what's going on. She started telling me things one evening after work and I questioned if she was telling the right person. We had been having a conversation about unrelated things when all of a sudden "boom!" I'll stand by her in what ever issues she faces, no matter what it requires of me, but because of the nature of this situation, I may unintentionally make her feel worse. I know in time we'll probably discuss it or at least she'll feel comfortable talking to me again. We all stick our feet in our mouth's sometimes. I guess I just pick some of the worst times to eat shoe leather.

I spent the week visiting her between Christmas and New Years. We had a pretty decent time. I enjoy travelling and like to go to the unique places you find along the way. We went up to Frankenmuth while I was up there. Its only about an hour from her place. I hadn't been there since I was a kid. Its known as Christmas town. The old German architecture gives the city character. Its many shops line the main drag selling everything from post cards to taffy, coffee to high-end art. I bought some sugar free taffy for the folks, a silly book for mom and some chocolate covered peanuts and raisins for me. We took some time to stop in to Bronner's Christmas Store. Its a huge store that sells only Christmas items all year round. We ate at Zenders Restaurant. The food was good and the servings were huge. We both brought part of our lunch home and ate it for supper.

Work has been going OK. Since I haven't posted here since July of last year, I should probably note that I've changed jobs. I am now the Project Manager for the Network Services Department. It was a new position. I have had to make up some of my own processes as I've gone along. The opening of this position was something new for everyone. There have been times where I have wondered if I made the right choice taking the position. Lately, things have been picking up as we all learn what the position can be used for.

Tonight, I'll slip off to bed hoping that things are OK with one I Cherish dearly. She is strong and I know she'll pull through these bumps in the road. I just need to give her time and keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

May all of you have a great 2008! Hopefully, it won't be another 6 months before I post again.

Choosing Life's Direction

2007-07-30T20:24:00.000-05:00

Choosing a direction in life can be challenging, if not sometimes down right frazzling. The more I go through life the more I realize that no matter what choices I make, there are always more choices around the bend. Sometimes, I feel like the above sign. One part of me knows that I need to go right, but no matter how hard I try, I seem to always end up going the wrong way.

I'd always thought that by the time I was in my mid 30's I would have my direction figured out. I'd be set on a path that would lead to a happy ending or at least in the direction I thought I wanted to go. I never found that path. All along the way, I would look at the road map laid out before me and there would be my destination. Somehow, The closer I got to the destination I wanted to be at, the further away it seemed to be.

I thought I took all the right turns, but like getting directions from another tourist, I always ended up in what I thought was the right place feeling out of place. I felt like I picked up a brochure to a wonderful museum. When I walked through the doors, I was standing in dark burnt out structure once dictated by the artwork in my hand. All that I had expected to see as I walked through the equally well adorned doors was no more than soot under my shoes. The feeling of sadness swept across me. The bubble of elation that had surrounded me burst, leaving me exposed to the wind sweeping through the debris, blowing its blackness onto my clothes.

I try to think out my decisions, make the best one I can for me. Sometimes, my thoughts betray me and lead me to second guess what should have been the natural choice. Other times, things get thrown in my path. Distractions that should be easily stepped over. A branch here... A stone there... Sometimes it seems I am meant to stumble just to see if I can catch myself. Often, it feels as though the stones are hurdled at me with just enough force to try to turn me away. Bruise me just enough to send me off so that I am distracted from my goal.

I watch things come and go in my life. I wonder am I doing enough? too much? the right thing? Most of the time, I find myself simply questioning... Where should I go? Which way should I turn? Will this even work out at all? Am I just jealous of what someone else has attained? I find myself praying to be a different person. Someone who has let go of the restraints of the past and isn't afraid to jump into the pool headlong without debating whether the water is too warm or too cold. Too many times in my life, it seems I've waited until I was knocked off either one side or the other of the fence, to find out its pretty interesting down on the ground instead of withdrawn from the crowd out of the way.

Which way will I go next? Do I even know what choices are being offered? Am I standing in the darkness, gazing at the light coming through the embers of something that never was? Last Monday, I would have boldly answered that I knew what was going on. Today, I am twisted with the thoughts of possibilities that I really don't have any control over.

Lord, I pray you will help me gather the strength to put my legs back underneath me and give me the courage to face whatever lies ahead. I feel so lost, show me the way... please.

I'll Stand Right Here...

2007-05-15T21:08:00.000-05:00

... where I belong.

There are times in everyone's lives when we run up against a situation that overwhelms us. It can be a serious health condition, an accident, problems at home or work or any number of other things. Whatever the cause we're forced to make decisions that we normally wouldn't make. These decisions are often driven by our need to protect ourselves from further harm.

When these situations involve emotional or family problems, they can be difficult to cure. Many times these types of problems fester just like an infected wound, until they are so bad that the cause of the original issues can not be found. The original hurts no longer even matter because the damage is so great. We do our best to make the best decisions so that the whole of the problem gets resolved. Because of the stresses associated with the problem, we sometimes unintentionally do things that make the problem worse. A problem that had appeared to be healing becomes reaggrevated.

It is within these times we often lose our support base. We even find that sometimes we didn't have the support we thought we did. These are the times we find who our true friends are. They are the ones that have seen us stumble. They watched us make a fool of ourselves. Even though they know every bad turn and slip up we might make, they keep picking us up and dusting us off. These are the people who are few and far between in our lives.

These types of friends not only stand by us to steady us, but sometimes even get drawn into the muck right along with us. They don't complain. They stand up for us even when we don't have the strength to stand. They take the blows and continue on. They shed tears for us just because they care. Why do they do these things? Because this is what true friends do. They love us unconditionally for who we are, all of who we are: Our good qualities, Our bad qualities, Our mistakes, Our weird ideas, Our successes, Our good and bad choices and even when we think we might have disappointed them.

**********************************************************************************

To the one who knows why this was written. I'll stand right here by your side... right where I belong. If they choose to judge me for that, then let them judge. If they feel I'm blind, they are correct for I refuse to see the transgressions they are so quick to point out as a reason to give up on you. When you feel alone and in the dark, I'm right here by your side... just reach out.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

2007-03-17T00:32:00.000-05:00

Did you ever make a decision and wonder whether that was the right one or not? I'm at one of those points in my life right now.

I think I made the right choice, but circumstances so far haven't pointed in that direction. I have a feeling that as things progress, friends who are now well wishers will become aggravated because of the position this situation puts me in. I don't really have a choice in the matter because no matter what choice I make someone is going to end up the loser. Me for not making the choice I should or them for taking the tasks to hand and playing out what is dealt.

I've actually thought a lot about this the last week as things have unfolded and projects were laid in my path. It seems every time an opportunity presents itself, little things crop up to try and trip me. Things like; paper work getting lost, unforeseen bills suddenly cropping up or people who have no business being involved in the matter, suddenly raising a fuss and delaying my life.

Tonight another one of those things cropped up to beat me over the head. I know that its probably just a coincidence, but the timing is impeccable. I planned a trip a some time ago to go visit a friend and do some things. I've done this trip multiple times without incident. Tonight, I ran over what appears to be a stone. It punctured my tire to the point I will have to probably replace the tire. Lovely timing.

I had given thought to not coming on this weekend trip, just because I had a strange feeling something wasn't going to go right. I've had this feeling ever since voicing my decision. I hope a flat tire is the whole of the problems. The weekend to relieve stress has become a thorn of its own. Oh well, I'm going to enjoy some time with friends even if I end up having to take the bus back home because my truck falls completely apart.

Now, I sit here typing this at 1:50 in the morning as the neighbors argue about who stared at whom at the bar tonight. It's a good thing I was already awake, because after the tire incident, I could probably give this group of drunken nitwits a piece of my mind. Fortunately for them, they are not my neighbors and I won't say anything as I don't want them coming back on my friend for having an idiot guest yell at them.

I'm sure this all equates to no more than nerves that I've made the right decision and in a few weeks I'll look back and laugh at the stupidity of it all. Until then, on with the party of green.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Animal Instincts

2007-01-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

I know we've all experienced animals that seem to sense things before we humans catch on to them. We hear about animals acting odd before catastrophic events such as earthquakes. I was thinking more on an every day level, such as when an animal recognizes that someone is afraid of it.

I find it interesting that animals seem to know who is afraid, who they trust and who they need to stay away from. My best friend's cat exhibits this behavoir on a grand scale. When I first visited, the cat would only come out for a few moments. When he did, he would walk no closer to me than arms length. I might be able to get a quick stroke down his back before he would jet off. Mr. Cat has the well known habit of only liking his owner. She is the only one that can hold him for any length of time. He will curl up with her and ignore anyone else. If strange people are around, you'll have a difficult time finding him.

The last few times I've visited, Mr. Cat has shown an interesting new turn. He will now meander back and forth between she and I. He is even funnier when she and I are both sitting on the couch. He will lay with one of us for a while, then maybe the other. This past visit, he started laying between us. He stretches his body so that he has part of himself touching both of us at any time. He's a fairly large cat so even if she is at one end and I'm at the other end of the couch, he can still reach us both.

Ever since the first time I visited her, I've got the feeling that Mr. Cat might be a little jealous that I was trying to steal her away from him. Now that he's realizing that he is my friend as well, he seems to be more accepting of me. I can even pick him up now, all-be-it for a short period of time.

He got a suprise this weekend during my visit. We had a little New Year's get together. He hid when he heard strangers in the apartment. After a while, he must have recognized some of the voices. He ventured out. He hopped up on the end of the couch to greet my friend's cousin. He quickly came to the realization there were other people there and he bolted off to his hiding place. He did manage to come out later and hang nearby.

This is just one example of what I'm talking about, but it seems that most animals exhibit similar tendencies.

Fighting the skirmishes, battles and wars...

2006-11-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

Everyday in our lives we face nasty little trials... I call them skirmishes, battles and wars.

These little trials come at us in many forms. Occassionally, we get into little skuffles with our loved ones, neighbors or friends. These are skirmishes, little battles that really don't end up being a whole lot. At the time they seem like the end of the world but never-the-less are merely bumps on the road we march. We often times find ourselves in greater conflicts. These are the battles. These are more important struggles that add up to knowledge. Unlike a skirmish, there tend to be injuries in battle. One side or the other, often both, end up batttered and bruised. It is from these battles we learn and grow. Hoping to one day win the war. The war is this trial we call life. It is made up of many skirmishes and battles fought along the way. We fight with ourselves or others. Each, hopefully moving one step closer to victory.

Taking sides in the battle

There are two sides to every battle, even if there are multiple combatants. Sometimes we get drug into the battle, even though we don't really want to be there. It is at these times that our side is chosen for us. We must fight to save ourselves as we are now right in the thick of it, like it or not. There are other times where we have no choice but to join in the battle willingly. We have chosen the side based on a decision to get involved. There are also the battles we choose to fight because of what or who we believe in. These are the most precious battles. These battles are ones that we choose to fight, not because of stakes that are involved, but because of a principle, ethic or friend that we feel we must save. These battles are not won by the number of soldiers that march off the field, but by the principles and ethics upheld at the end.

Winning the War is the main goal in any struggle. Often, its not the number of battles you won, but the quality of the lessons you learned from those you lost. In the end, there is only one victor.

May you learn from your skirmishes, gain knowledge from your lost battles and come out of the war stronger for the experience.

The Trick Is To Know Who To Treat

2006-10-31T22:21:00.000-05:00

As tonight is Halloween, most of the blogs I looked at were posting their kids in costumes. I thought I would share my point of view on Halloween.

There was a time several years ago, back when I was in my early twenties, I thought a lot of Halloween as a fun time for little kids. My thoughts began to change as more and more older kids started showing up at the door. Our municipality started scheduling our Trick or Treat nights around the other local towns. Sixty to eighty kids became one hundred, then two hundred. We went from older teenagers to van loads of kids being dropped off from the open sliding doors of vans with out of state plates.

Back in the days before my bitterness over the greedyness of parents, I decorated my house with spider webs, glowing eyed skull candelabras and even a spooky music and some fog. I did a haunted arcade the couple of years I ran the game room at the mall. It went over great. I actually like doing that stuff. But alas, the whole neighborhood has gotten fed up with the enourmous influx of folks from outside the area. Now, we all go out for dinner at a local eatery during the hours of Trick or Treat. We make up treats for the kids in the neighborhood. We're not trying to be nasty to the kids, especially our own neighbors. It just gets a wee bit expensive to feed candy to half the tri-county area.

Tomorrow, we go back to being a normal lil burg preparing for the holidays to come.

Observation and Recovery

2006-09-29T21:02:00.000-05:00

I noticed that this latest batch of flu/sinus infection garbage that is going around seems to be targeting a widespread base of folks. It appears I picked it up at work somehow. I took Monday and Tuesday off, having to call the Doc to get something to drive it off. I went back to work Wednesday, only to find the whole department sniffling, sneezing and coughing. Shhwew. Thought I gave it to them, but it turns out one of the equipment techs was complaining of it the week before. It took me until this week to really say I was feeling alot better.

I spent some time with a friend this past weekend. She was complaining of a sore throat early on. It has now turned to sinus infection. It would also appear that her cousin that lives with her and a bunch of her clan that were gathered over the weekend also are dealing with it. It can't be good when these little biological bugs start zapping folks who are gathered in the same room. I rule out any of the hugging and stuff that went on this past weekend at my friend's as my coworkers all shared it and we refrain from such things.

I wonder from time to time if we have made these bacteria and virus resistant to our medications by over medicating ourselves in general or is it just Mother Nature's way of saying we're tinkering too much with her plan. Science is a good thing and our knowledge of medicines has saved many lives. Nature, however, has a way of protecting herself by using a kind of adaptation that keeps things in check if you will. We see it in the animal world all the time. Species thought to be going extinct suddenly adapt and begin to thrive, sometimes to the point of impeding on us where we once were the impedament to them.

Hopefully, its just a passing bump in our wonderful development as a species. To all those who have this grand sinus thumping ailment, get some rest and lots of fluids.

Pain of the Heart, the Mind and the Body

2006-09-19T18:48:00.000-05:00

We all experience various forms of pain in our lives. We all feel these pains somewhat differently, but we all experience them. This week, my pain seems to be that of the body. I managed to crop up a stupid sinus infection that needed heavier meds than what I could take over the counter. I'm healing up, maybe not as fast as I'd like but its going away none the less.

Sometimes, we experience pain of the heart, when we see one we care for hurting. Their hurts can be physical or mental. It really doesn't matter for we care only for their ultimate well being. We want to reach out and hold our loved ones until the pain is gone. Sometimes when we're distant from those we care about, we reach out in words and in love, hoping that those we care for will somehow feel comfort in our remote touch. In those times, we long to be at their sides to shield them from whatever hurts they bear.

Pain of the mind can be the hardest of the pains to deal with. This is not a real pain, per say, but it is by no means imagined. Pains of the mind often deal with stresses we put ourselves through. They frequently are associated with pains of the heart. These pains are ones that only we can feel. Anxiety over loves lost. Worring about finances. Wondering what the future holds. These usually originate from one of the other pains, but often like pains of the body, will fester if left untreated. We often hold things inside that we should share because we are afraid we will cause someone else pain, when in fact, many of these pains would diminish greatly with the help of our loved ones.

I've often wondered why it seems that these pains tend to come in batches. Do we bring that much of it upon ourselves? I don't believe so. There's a song by Bruce Carrol that I look to in times of pain. It's titles says it all "Something Good is Bound to Happen (or the Devil'd not be working overtime)"

"Something Good Is Bound To Happen"

Bruce Carroll

I woke up late this morning

the alarm clock just quit workin'

and I promptly spilled hot coffee

all over me

A mile of angry traffic

knows my fuel pump is a goner

and I'm starin' through

locked windows at my keys

Something good is bound to happen

or the Devil'd not be workin overtime

but you're always here beside me

and because of you I see

something good is bound to happen to me

My boss came in to tell me

that they're taking new directions

and he's sorry but he has to let me go

I just spent all our savings

trying to pull it all together

but I can make it through it all

becauseI know

Something good is bound to happen

or the Devil'd not be workin overtime

but you're always here beside me

and its because of you I see

something good is bound to happen to me

Its always one thing or another

to make us feel discouraged

but I get so encouraged

with just one word from you

Something good is bound to happen

or the Devil'd not be working overtime

but you're alway here beside me

and because of you I see

that something good is bound

to happen to me.

Vacation - Time well spent with a friend

2006-08-28T21:55:00.000-05:00

I left on Thursday, the 17th, to spend a week or so with a friend in Michigan. We've kind of made a thing out of going to the Michigan Renaissance Festival. I arrived Thursday evening. We went to dinner and relaxed for the evening.

Saturday morning, we headed off to Ren Fest. This year our crew consisted of Gert, her cousin Bob, Gert's friend from bowling and myself. It was raining, but its a rain or shine event and we're not going to let a little water from the sky bother us. We entered the gate and were promptly met by a Man and Women dressed in period costume. The man asked if he could speak to my ladies. Playing along, I agreed that he may. Gert promptly had me thrown in jail for being a pour servant and not fulfilling my duties. I then promptly returned the favor after allowing myself to be lead off to the stockade. In the end, Gert and I were under roof protected from the rain while Bob and Gert's friend were standing in the rain laughing at us. I wonder who really had the last laugh on that. Naturally, due to the nature of Ren Fest, we had to perform with one of the Jailers to a silly little diddy that I think he made up as he went. Twas all in the spirit of fun. The rain finally stopped around noon or a little there after. It took all day for us to dry out.

We headed home, planning on stopping for pizza before getting to the house. This meant roaming the mall for a few minutes with a bit of extra mud hanging about our clothing. We grabbed our pizza and headed on to the house. Gert's friend didn't stay, but we made plans for Wednesday before she left. On Wednesday, Gert, her friend and I, would head over to Greenfield Village, a working historic display. Bob had to work. We enjoyed the day there and headed home again. We met Bob at the house. Gert's friend headed home to make dinner for her Dad and we headed out for dinner ourselves.

Thursday and Friday, Gert had to work, but we went to her bowling league meeting in the evening and then did some bowling. I haven't bowled since I ruptured the disks in my back, so I was kind of reluctant to try. I figured since the games were free to the league, I would bowl as much as I felt comfortable with. I bowled all three games Thursday night and all Three Friday too. My right leg hurt a bit, but nothing I couldn't live with. I didn't do nearly as bad as I thought I would score wise either. I might have to start doing some bowling or something of that nature just to get out and about on the weekends. After bowling, Gert and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. We didn't get back to the house until 1:30ish.

We piddled around the Saturday. Sunday, my planned day of departure, I took Gert, her Mom and Bob out to dinner before I left. The drive home was uneventful. I drove with the windows down most of the way as it was humid but in the lower 70's. I hit a little bit of rain/mist that later turned to fog but it wasn't bad to drive in. I arrived home around 12:20am. I called Gert to let her know I arrived safely. We talked an hour before realizing we both had to get up early for work in the morning.

All in all it turned out to be a pretty good vacation. I enjoy Gert's company and we have a lot of fun together. She even puts up with my corny jokes and even gets in on the gag from time to time. I wish we could spend more time together, but distance right now keeps us apart. I'll have to find some other silly excuse to get up that way sometime soon.

Vacation Approaches!

2006-08-13T20:04:00.000-05:00

Not much has gone on since the last post. My Mother had to have a Total Thyroidectomy which went well. The Report came back that the small nodule they weren't really concerned about turned out to be the cancerous one. She is recovering well and has a couple more trips to the doctors to make sure everything is ok.

My own life has been in a bit of a rut. I hope to break that rut when I leave for vacation. I'm not planning a whole lot of things to do. I just want to get away and spend some time away. Maybe I can get things moving again after that.

One thing that I've thought about doing just to keep my mind limber, is to start a story line and work through it developing characters and pathways. This exercise may in turn help me open up my own pathways.

Senility, denial and health issues

2006-06-18T17:15:00.000-05:00

I guess it just runs in the family.

I get frustrated by my mother sometimes. She gets these down days and she seems to think everybody else in the family should be drug down to her level. Today is a fine example.

It's Father's Day. My Dad retired through disability after hurting his back at work. For a long time, Mom just couldn't understand why all he would do was sit in his recliner and sleep. After injuring my own back, I came to find out exactly why. Unless you have had a major back injury, you take for granted exactly how many things in life stress your back. Walking, bending, lifting, even just sitting in certain types of chairs put unbelievable stress on the back. The back is a very large part of the body's structural system and when it gets sore and tired, your body is sore and tired and you tend to want to stop doing whatever it is that is aggrevating it.

To make a long story short, Dad's back has recently flared up to the point where he has pain running down to his toes. This isn't a fun feeling. How would I know? This is how my right leg gets everytime I stress my back. Mom wanted to rent a boat for Father's Day. We own a bass boat but the time it takes to get ready to go is a problem. Not because we don't want to take it out, more often than not, its Mom who presses to take it out. Does she say something a couple nights before so that we can get it ready? No. She waits untill I get home from work and whines that we should take it out. By the time you get it hooked up and ready to go, poof! You've got an hour on the water at best. Anyway, Dad's back isn't up to standing or sitting on a moving boat, so that was out. Whine #1.

Then, she got the bright idea of driving to Warren, PA to go out to eat with realitives. If sitting is a problem, riding on a bumpy boat is a problem, I do believe riding in a car for 2 hours one way then home again is probably not going to be on top of the list of things to do either. Not to mention, the relatives we would have gone to do not keep their house cool and their furniture isn't the greatest for a bad back. Dad wasn't up for that either. Here comes Whine #2.

We went out for lunch, which in itself was a challenge for him, then came home. He fell asleep in the recliner. I had the Nascar race on. She began moaning about nothing to do. When her nerves start to bug her, she gets really antsy and hates sitting around. She commented more than once about going an seeing a friend out the road. That would have been fine with Dad, he was comfortable and really wasn't interested in going anyway. Finally, he woke up and grumbled that if she wanted to go she could go, he didn't mind. Yes, you guessed it, Whine #3.

I'm really glad I didn't do what I planned on doing for Farther's Day. I was going to buy us tickets to the Nascar Race. It was in Southern Michigan which is only a 4 hour drive. With Dad's back bothering him, the rain that ended up cutting the race short and the whining by Mom, I probably would have left someone along the roadside somewhere. Probably me!

Happy Father's Day to all. Best Wishes of Health and Happiness to You!

And to all the whiney mothers today, here's some cheese.

Think before you speak or Thoughts on Thinking

2006-06-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ever notice how we just accept certain things such as product names?

Kleenex is not the little tissue you use to blow your nose. It is the trademark brand name for a type of Facial Tissue. We never even stop and pause when our nose is running. "Can I have a Kleenex?", we ask. There are other things of this sort I can think of, for example: Band-aides or Frisbees.

There are also the abreviated names that we like to abuse as well. These are things that if we say the full name as we normally use the abreviation in a sentence, we would quickly see the error of our ways.

I belong to a PTA Organization.

(You belong to a Parent Teacher Association Organization? Hmm. I thought an association was to be organized.)

I bought a new NIC Card for my computer last night.

(So you bought a new Network Interace Card Card. Does that take up two expansion slots in your machine or just one?)

These are just a few examples of our mastery of the english/amurikan language. I know I too am guilty of abusing my own creative license or stupidity, whichever you prefer.

Do you have any more creative misuses of language like those above? If so, please leave me a comment.

The Conundrum of Power and Control

2006-05-26T22:51:00.000-05:00

Looking at the recent releases of movies for the summer I see a recurrent theme.

Humankind's blatant misuse of power and control run through all these movies. I saw X-Men III tonight. It demonstrates my conundrum theory to a 'T'. I don't want to give away the movie to those who haven't seen it, but there are examples spread throughout.

Basically, the conundrum is this: At some point those in control will try to control those with power. Those with power often are unable to control their power and will eventually fall to their own strengths. The conundrum comes into play when those in control are pressing for to change things to their way of thinking good or bad. They realize that those who have power are becoming a threat to their ideology. Here is where the conundrum begins to envelop and consume both power and control.

Those who are in control of the plight for good eventually find someone in their own ranks that has become a threat to the stability of their way of life. They manipulate this peer hoping to keep them from getting out of control. In doing so, they violate their own principles in the name of maintaining good. The same happens with those in control of the plight for evil.

Those who have the power in any given situation are frequently not those who have the authority or the ability to control that power. They rise rapidly through the ranks of their peers because of their power. Eventually, they become unsatisfied by their lack of control over their own power and will often flip sides until one side or the other or both must rise up to squelch them.

As both the above continue to build, they consume each other. This causes those in control to lose control and ultimately those with power self-destruct just as they think they have gained control. Their lack of self control makes them ill fitted to control their peers. Those that were in control now become overrun by new factions. These new factions build their strengths on knowledge and power that have been gleaned from those who are now falling from control and power. The strengths of the powerful and the knowledge that allowed those in control to be in such positions have now become their weakness.

The vicious cycle starts over to continue without end. The only possible end is to continue.

So, this sounded really great in my head, especially when the images from X-Men III are still vibrant. You're probably confused after reading this but it makes sense to me and I guess that's all that is required.

Communications Breakdown

2006-05-15T21:47:00.000-05:00

Why is it that in the world we live in, there are always obstacles in our way? One of the biggest obstacle in my life is communication. I can feel comfortable talking to the CEO of the company about any subject he throws at me, yet I have trouble telling someone right in front of me what I think or how I feel.

The problem isn't with the person usually. It is with the situation at hand. I can talk to anyone about vacation or tell corny jokes. Business is not an issue in most cases. The biggest obstacle I face is telling special people in my life how I feel. Most of the time, I get so frustrated with myself that end up writing down my feelings, never to show them to the person that should know. This has happened to me since high school. I think it partly has to do with how my family dealt with relationships growing up.

There was never any discussions about how relationships work or problems in my parents relationship. They never really argued much in front of me. Everything would just get quiet. Seems like any time a subject dealing with relationships came up, silence immediately followed. Feelings weren't discussed or addressed publicly, good or bad. Relationships weren't good or bad. They just were there. Between that and my own lack of relationships in high school, I sometimes wonder if I'm interpreting correctly. I set some stupid goals in school that I wouldn't make any commitments to any relationships until I was mentally and financially able to support them. I had seen too many friends and their families fall apart because of simple things. Things always just worked out in my family and watching other families tear apart because they didn't have money to by all the toys they wanted bothered me terribly. My family wasn't much for material things. We had what we needed and a few extras, but never anything extravagant. I enjoyed my childhood for the most part without all the frills.

Now, here I am, wondering why I can't say what I want to say to the special people in my life. I guess I still fear the response I'll get. I'm not afraid of the rejection. I've been rejected so often in my life that my goal of stability wasn't hard to manage. It kept getting pushed further and further down the road. I've put a lot of thought into why I can't just say what I feel and have come up with a two fold fear that holds me back. The strongest of the two fears is that in expressing how I feel, the intended recipient will be hurt by something I say or do and I will lose the special connection that I have with them. The second fear is only slightly less disturbing, that they will laugh because I have misinterpreted some sign along the way or worse, will have thought there was a sign that wasn't really there. Even now, I fear that this will be read and things will change.

Change isn't a bad thing. As a matter of fact, right now I crave change, if its the right change. Some day, maybe, I'll let those special people in my life read what I have written. It's not much but it contains the emotion pent up, tearing at my soul to be released. This blog and the Yahoo 360 blog have been attempts to strengthen my resolve to express my feelings. Slowly, I grow more confident in myself. The hardest part has been learning to trust my feelings and learning to trust that the special people in my life care for me because I am who I am.

Time Flies...

2006-05-02T22:17:00.000-05:00

Wow! Can't believe its May already!

Where did the year go? 4 months up and gone. I guess that's what happens when you spend 90% of the first three months on the road travelling for work. I enjoy travelling and was sure when I got back home that I definately wanted to go back on the road again.

I think if I could save up some cash, I wouldn't mind taking a week or so vacation out west. I really don't think I will be able to afford it this year, although things are improving.

Weather is getting nicer and I have my weekends free now for the most part so maybe I can even do some weekend trips. That is, if gasoline doesn't become more valuable than gold. I definately will be making a couple trips that I know of.

This Roller Coaster Ride of Life

2006-04-08T20:57:00.000-05:00

Life sure has it's ups and downs.

Well, once again it has been a month since my last post. Last post, I was travelling for company business. The three weeks on the road fit the title quite well. The first week went pretty well, the second week wasn't so hot and the third week was a hoot. Most of the change had to do with the travelling companions during the week. The third week in San Francisco was probably the best week. The three of us on that leg were the faster workers and we were capable of getting the numbers done we needed for each day. We went to The Winchester Mystery House in San Jose. That place is, how to say it, VERY interesting. Another evening we managed to leave the office early enough to drive up to San Francisco, across the Golden Gate Bridge and out to Muir Woods where there resides a rather large outcropping of Redwood Trees. On Friday, we managed to go down town for the whole day. It was a good trip.

I have been home the past couple of weeks playing catch up at the office. They say in the next couple weeks we will crawl out from under our rock and into the basement of one of the office buildings where the rest of the I.T. Staff reside. This is a good thing for me because its about 18 miles or so less drive.

Thursday was my birthday. That went fairly decent. Mom, Dad and I went out for dinner. Didn't do much special but that's ok. I'm not much for big birthday bashes. I think Mom is finally getting the idea that at 39, I'm a bit old for the old invite the neighbors kids in for a party deal.

Then last night we get a call the my mom's cousin's daughter had been rushed to the hospital and it wasn't looking very good. She passed away at 8:05 this morning. She was only 38. Her and her husband Rick were just in the process of finallizing approval to adopt 2 kids and were enrolled in the foster program with 3 kids already living with them. We went to support the family today and I'm sure as they make arrangements as the week goes on, we'll be there again.

"The Ride"

The wheels of life are turning

I feel I'm rollin' down this track

And I know down deep inside my heart

I can't look back

And though it's hard decerning

All of the fiction from the fact

You have led me to this truth and we have

made a pact

And as we go through highs and lows and all

that's in between

It's good to know we're not alone on this

big scream machine.

This roller coaster ride of life

Lifts you up and lets you down

This roller coaster ride of life

Spins you round and round and round

Heaven knows where ever you go

I will be right by your side

On this roller coaster, roller coaster ride of life

Roller coaster ride of life

So when I hear you calling

'Cause you have hit your all time low

I will hold you by my side and I won't let you go

And when it seems your falling

'Cause life has got you on a roll

I will take the wheel and hit the brakes

we'll take it slow

And as you go through highs and lows

and all thats in between

The Lord alone is in control of this big scream machine

- 4 Him (Christian Contemporary Artists)

Respect - What is it?

2006-03-09T07:39:00.000-05:00

It is that status that you earn from others by the quality of your deeds, your actions and how you handle yourself in the situation given.

True respect can not be purchased. It must be earned. Respect is a fragile gift we are given by others in our environment. It can create bonds strong as steel, but can be shattered as easily as shattering fine crystal.

The saying "You should respect your elders" always baffled me. Yes, we should be mindful that their life has brought them more experience, but not everyone who is older is necessarily wiser. In many cases, our elders do deserve our respect, but it still must be earned for it to have merit in our lives. Blind respect is like walking up to someone on the street and handing them a blank check and asking them to book a trip for both of you. You may get taken for the ride of your life or you may go on beautiful journey.

Last night, my respect for one of my fellow employees was shattered. I have been having issues with this employee coming to me for help and then telling everyone how great I am. I have never been one to outright ask for any kind of recognition or fame. Just let me do my job and I will do what it takes to get it done.

I once thought highly of this lady because she gave me some mental support when my mom was going through the early stages of cancer. Lately, however, she has become more and more dependant on my knowledge and it has begun to interupt my own ability to complete my work.

Here's the issue that broke the fragile bonds of respect. We our out working on-site for the company. Last night on our way back from the office we came up the on ramp to the interstate to find it blocked by an accident, a fairly recent accident. Fire, EMS and Police vehicles were converging from every direction. I assisted in directing traffic to open the ramp so that Emergency Vehicles could get to the accident scene. A police office came and told us to turn around and go the wrong way down the ramp. At the bottom of the ramp, he and a second officer who just arrived began to critique the intersection and decide how best to handle the problem. My coworker starts yelling through the windshield that he is an ass and doesn't know what he is doing. She was not joking about how they were handling the situation. She was down right mad at him. I finally yelled at her to "Shut up! You're not helping the situation!"

You may think me a bad person for doing this to my elder. Here's my thing. I was a volunteer firefighter from the time I was 16 up until I moved away at age 26. I worked as Head of Security for a local race track. I have been trained and have dealt with accidents on the highway. They are not something you can just magically do. There is no set book response that happens at each one. They are all different and must be evaluated independantly. It takes time to make safe and sound decisions that will help clear up the traffic jam and preserve the accident scene. I took great offence at her screaming and call the officer names as he was just doing his job.

I have a big problem with disrespect of emergency service workers. I have, too many times, been in that position where someone screams and yells at you for taking an extra bit of time to set up. What they don't usually see is that this little bit of extra time maybe the thing that keeps someone else from getting hurt, keeps the injured from dieing or being paralyzed for life or even makes their trip home just a tiny bit easier because the time was taken to allow you to go back down the ramp safely and find another route home.

The officer didn't have to let us turn around and go down the on ramp. He could have made us sit there until the accident was clear. Yet she had the nerve to yell at him about how he did his job. I'm sorry, but I can't stand that kind of opinionation. I would like to see her out there dealing with the traffic jam and safety concerns he had on his shoulders at that time. She couldn't do it any better.

End of rant. Thank you for reading.

Long time no post

2006-02-16T23:05:00.000-05:00

The weary traveler realizes he's home.

Interestingly enough, today I was so busy and stressed out that the day actually went pretty quick and coming home actually felt good.

Let's see, where have I been since the last post? I think as of last post I had justreturned from 2 weeks in the Greater Washington DC area. I was back in the office for a week or so. I left for the Detroit area on January 31st. Spent Tuesday thru Sunday there. Went there on a work excursion. Interestingly enough, they scheduled the excursion for the same week as the Super Bowl. I couldn't get a hotel downtown naturally, but that worked out for the best anyway. I stayed with a friend outside of Detroit. She was much more pleasant company than the folks downtown would have been anyway. Wednesday and Thursday weren't bad leaving the office, but Friday night all the HUGE parties started early. I came out of the office to tour buses, vehicles of all types and sizes displaying "Official NFL Superbowl Vehicle" and scores of people. I was glad to be leaving town.

I pulled out of Detroit area on Sunday after lunch and drove to Dayton, Ohio. The hotel we were more or less forced to use by policy was a dump. I picked up my coworker at the airport and we decided we didn't want to hang at the hotel. Ed had talked to someone from the area on the plane and they recommended we go to Smokey Bones, a restaurant just south of the airport. They had tv's everywhere and were advertising that they were playing the Super Bowl on all of them. The food was pretty good, so we decided we would stop back to sample some of the barbque fare when we got a chance later in the week. We did and all I have to say is MMMMMMMMMMMMM.. nummy.

We got done early and Ed flew home Friday. I drove home Friday night. A long drive across central Ohio is not fun when you're half ready to fall asleep. Got home about 10pm ish. Spent this week as the only pc tech in-house scrambling just to keep my head above water. Next week we'll all be in-house so we should catch up a bit. End of February, it will be back off into the air to more locations. This time three week straight. That should just be soooo fun.

I really enjoy travelling for work. I hope I get a bit of free time in Salt Lake City and San Francisco to site see a little. It's always a welcome break from normal routine.

I guess I'll head out for the night. Catch ya next post.

January - Almost a Memory

2006-01-28T23:07:00.000-05:00

Ok, who reset my calendar AND my watch!

I always thought time would slow down as I grew older. It hasn't. I finally figured out why.

*Warning Science Content* (OK. Not so much)

As we grow older, our bodies slow down and don't function quite as well. Therefore, time appears to go much quicker. In reality time is still constant, we are what has changed speed.

I came to this realization after falling ill this week and taking a day off work Thursday. I felt better Friday and was busy so I didn't really notice the steps of time. Today, however, was a bit different.

I felt pretty good considering my state of health two days ago. I went got up this morning and headed off to what I had planned to be a productive day. I got my hair cut, went to the bank, got my medications filled and some other stuff I needed to pick up. The day was going well. Since I felt really great compared to Thursday, I decided I would hop to a couple other stores and the mall, just to get in some walking/exercise. It was in the mid 50's outside, so off I went. I didn't return home until after 2 or 2:30 pm.

This is where what I call, The Realization of Time, comes into play.

My lovely bad disks in my back had started to gripe, hence the reason I came home when I did. I brought all my purchases in and sat down to rest for just a few. I checked my work email because I was hoping to get approval for a rental car for my trip. I then decided to assemble the DVD rack I bought to keep the DVD's from tumbling from their temporary position on the DVD player. That done, I decided I would kick back and finish watching whatever the movie was that was on. I woke up after 6 pm wondering why the movie had suddenly gone from something that sounded like a normal movie to some wierd music that I hadn't heard, nor did I want to hear for that matter. Poof! There went my day.

So as you can see, time maybe is more linear and less relative than we thought. Maybe time isn't speeding up. We're Just SLOWWWWWWINN N N G D O W N.

A Certain Point Of View

2006-01-22T22:32:00.000-05:00

My how things change as we age!

I look back over my life and think about things in the past. Good things, bad things they all seem to be slightly skewed or off color, like an old picture long forgotten in the box under the bed.

Are they skewed and off color, or has my view of lives important moments changed? I have found as I grow older that things have changed importance in my life. Things that once angered me now fill me with sorrow or dismay. The acts of others have become more tolerable, or at least they generate less of a reaction.

Have I mellowed with age? I don't think so. Things still affect me but my reactions are different from when I was younger. I've learned that anger returned only begets more anger in most cases. I've learned to 'bite my tongue' at times when in the past I would have said something out of anger or spite.

I have also learned that many times 'listening' and 'hearing' are not the same thing but both must be done simultaneously. Many times a person lashing out in anger or hurting from loss doesn't want or need excuses or 'I understand how you feel'. They want someone to hear what they are saying and understand where they are coming from. When we say 'I understand how you feel' without listening and hearing what the person is saying we often demean or devalue that person's problem. To them, we don't really seem to care. We're blowing smoke. Sometimes in order to help someone, we must 'manage' a situation. Learn to listen, hear and develop solutions that are beneficial rather than just popping off meaningless words.

I've noticed that in learning as I grow older, the meanings of things I thought were correct as a kid have changed. I look back and wonder if I was that stupid then or I'm that smart now, usually if I'm honest with myself neither is true. I was what I was in that instance of time. Now, I'm different. The sum of all those experiences has made me who I am, kind of like building a puzzle out of different pieces. Alone, they look out of place on the table when you first dump them out. Together, they become a large image. Just like a photo puzzle, our lives blend and merge as we grow, altering the view we have of ourselves and our perception of others, even blurring the edges of things that were once crisp clear-cut events in our lives.

Amazing how we change as we grow, isn't it? Things we hated, we love. Things we love, we now dislike. Things that made us sad now allow us to provide solace to others. Things we once did not care about have come to the forefront in our lives. People we used to not tolerate become tolerable. This is part of growing older. Knowing when and how to combine these moments in our lives to better ourselves brings us wisdom, for wisdom is having knowledge and being able to apply that knowledge for the betterment of ones self and ones surroundings.

The trick is not in the knowing how to use this wisdom for yourself, but how to reach out and share it with others allowing them to blossom from the sprinkling of your life into theirs. Reach out and force the knowledge onto someone and the wisdom becomes a sword that cuts them, injuring their spirit, turning their experience into an ugly scar on what could be a nurtured healthy life. Sometimes the best results of our wisdom come not from our own jagged edged experiences slashing out but from the combination of those experiences into gentle strength and piece of mind.

Which would you rather have? Helpful wisdom of the ages holding you up and supporting you like a loving parent to a child who scrapped their knee? or the razor's edge cutting into an already wounded sole, further scarring an already tattered life?

I know which I would prefer.

A World of Irony

2006-01-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

It really is!

I spent the week in the DC Metro area working on a large scale project. It is a major deal. We have been working on it for sometime. Let's just say when the project roll out is over we'll have touched over 4000 employees (give or take a few).

Anyway, on with the irony. Our office is located underground, so any chance to work in the field offices is a chance to see daylight. This is ALWAYS a good thing. Any chance to get away from the office is also a good thing. Here's where the irony starts to come in.

Let's take a look at the facts:

I work underground.
We have no windows because the walls are rock and there is 200+ feet of rock over our heads.
In the early stages, we made up a schedule for this project and for whatever reason the powers that be shortened by half or more.
To save money, the company had us book all our travel through 'brand x' travel site. It took me 5 hours to find flights and hotels and get everything booked. I even had to call to have a live agent help find flights that fit company policy.
We had wanted to wait until the end to do the DC area in case there was some kind of issue with setting the project up. It has the most highly concentrated group of employees that will be affected. This way we would do a few people, then a few more until we worked our way up to the DC area. This allows us to make changes to our procedures and things like that, 'Fine tuning' one might say.

Let's take a look at the irony:

You need to remember that most hotels start their room numbers on the first floor (ie: Room 123). We get to our hotel, they have all our rooms together, 033, 035, 039, 041 and so on. Yes, I said 035. The hotel is built on a hillside and we are staying below the lobby in the part of the hotel cut back into the hillside, hence we are BELOW ground!
We go to the location to set up. The primary location we end up working in is a conference room with NO Windows. The secondary location is down in a dip and has windows, but its so foggy in the morning that you can't even see the parking lot until after lunch.
The squashed schedule didn't work. We are reworking the schedule to be very similar to the original 12 week schedule we produced at the beginning of the project.
When the schedule started to change, it only took 2 phone calls on 3 minutes to cancel 5 hours worth of travel planning.
Well, they had us start in the DC area. We found out that the average home DSL or cable connection has more bandwidth than either of the DC offices, thus we slowed the network to a snail's pace. As noted above, anything that gets changed in the process, now only adds time to it. We are now running extremely slow. The irony here is that, if we had done our original schedule and ramped up to this level, we would have known that the network resources had a large affect and would have changed the way the District Managers brought in employee' s equipment to be converted. We changed our process on the fly and got done what was on-site but have to go back now to get the rest.

So you see life does have ironies all around it. Some ironic situations we create for ourselves, some our created by others and/or our surroundings. All in all it made for an 'interesting' week.

Weary eyed and tired, I am home for the weekend.

You can touch the dust, Just don't write in it.

2005-12-28T23:04:00.000-05:00

This is part of one of the gag gifts my mom got for Christmas. Mom has this 'thing' about dusting pictures. She had to do it all the time as a little girl. Naturally, we didnt have a lot of pictures sitting around when I was a kid. One or two sure, but not the hordes of knick knacks and such many people have. So for Christmas my Aunt gives my mom and her sister framed copies of pictures when they were kids. This caption was indentically framed in the box with mom's pictures.

This brings me to my current point for this post. What silly traditions does your family have at Christmas time?

Sure, we all get together and things like that, but I'm talking the strange things. For Example: In our family, there are several running gags. There is a pair of pea green socks roaming around that don't show up every year. Just about the time you think they're lost, *poof*, they magically appear in your gifts. There's a funny looking hat floating around too. Another strange thing that you have to watch for if you celebrate a holiday with us: A package that's not what it looks like. This comes in two variants: Size matters not and Open before professing your liking.

Size matters not is obvious. The size and shape of the box don't necessarily correspond to the size of gift inside. The best example of this is the year my grandmother got a great big box of nothing. It was a 19 inch tv box that in the end turned out to be a ring box with a note "Just what you wanted for Christmas, a great big box of nothing". Grandma was not amused.

Open before professing your liking. This one is a bit less devious. It stems from reusing boxes from gifts received to pack gifts to be given. This only becomes humorous when you realize that we actually had a family friend send a 'thank you' note for the coffee maker. Problem was that even though the box (in really good condition) was from a coffee maker, the gift was a stained glass lamp. What made this even more humorous was finding out later that the bride returned the coffee pot to Sears as that was the only place she could find selling that brand. Before she left the store, she got paged ove the intercom to come back to the check out stand. The clerk told her she may want to look at the gift before returning it. It's funny for all of us now, but she was rather embarrassed at first.

So what kind of silly stunts do you and your families do to each other at Christmas?

The End of the Year Approaches

2005-12-22T22:11:00.000-05:00

A reflection of memory.

Looking into this Holiday week, I see a reflection of the year gone by. Like looking into a finely polished mirror, It reflects the good and the bad equally showing only the surface and lacking the true depth in its clarity. How, sometimes I wish my own memory worked that way, remembering only the glancing images passing by.

It has been an interesting year. A year which I'm not sure is worth remembering, yet a year that has made progress from the years before. Does that make sense?

Work has been about the same all year. I got to travel some, looks like I'll be travelling a bunch more soon. In general, my personal life has basically been on a hum drum even keel. Finances still suck, but I've been able to maintain. Can't say I'm making a lot of headway, but I guess my ship isn't sinking as fast now. I can't say that I recall any grand great things happening this past year for me. Relationships are still at a standstill. My friends that I call true friends are still true. The wishy washy ones, well, still are. I'd like to say I've have developed that special relationship I've been looking for.To be honest, I've spent so much time alone, I don't know if I even would recognize her standing in front of me. So if you've walked by expecting more than I've given, slap me upside the head so I'll snap out of my stupor. Thank you.

Mom battled cancer and won. Interesting how the worst thing to touch your life becomes the best thing when the doctors say the disease is gone.

Looking to the coming year, what do I see? More of the same, I guess. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

*taps on the monitor glass*

I wonder sometimes, which side of this thing am I really on?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2005-12-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

The results came back negative!!

My mother has been taking chemotherapy for very aggressive breast cancer since Spring. She had a full pet scan last Thursday to verify if there was any indication of cancer left in her system. She went in for her scheduled chemo treatment today and was informed that she doesn't have to have chemo anymore!

She will go every three weeks to have her Herceptin shot, but that doesn't have the nasty side-affects of the chemo. She will still continue to have tests to verify that Herceptin is doing its job and not causing any heart irregularities. Tests, we can live with. The chemotherapy is very disruptive to the person taking it. Over time as it accumulates in the body, chemo also builds up its side affects. Mom was starting to have trouble with the smells of food cooking bothering her. She never did lose all her hair.

This is a great Christmas gift. I don't get very emotional around her because she has enough to deal with. I wait until I'm here at home by myself it has me down. This is one bit of news that we've received about her cancer that is GREAT!

Thoughts on December

2005-12-06T22:36:00.000-05:00

December, the month of joy and sorrow, the month of cheer and pain.

I look around these last couple of days and think to myself about the different ways people view the upcoming holidays. As the lights and decorations begin to illuminate the houses, they bring a warm feeling, a sparkle if you will, to my heart. I have been fortunate to spend the Christmas holidays with my family.

We have been known to have 2 or even 3 Christmas get togethers so that everyone can be together. Growing up, Christmas day was busy. We rotated who would host Christmas between my 2 Aunts houses (Mom's side), my Grandparents (Mom's side), and our house. It was a tradition that we opened gifts Christmas morning, ate lunch, then Mom, Dad and I piled in the car and went to visit Dad's side of the family for the afternoon. It didn't matter what the weather or how we felt, off we would go. We would have dinner there and exchange a few gifts. The only year I can not recall going to both Granparents houses on Christmas day was the year we went to Florida for Christmas.

As I grew older, things changed. Grandparents passed away. Family schedules split up the traditional gatherings. The kids grew to adults and moved away. Time became the director of our lives instead of tradition. Happy times became necessity in order to get to see loved ones over the holidays. Sad thoughts of missed loved ones gone from our lives sometimes filled the holes left by traditional events lost to time.

I look back and understand now that I had it pretty decent growing up. I think of friends whose family's divorced, people I know who lost loved ones around the Holidays. I understand their sadness brought to the front by the twinkling of the lights and the sounds of good cheer. You see, my family too is not imune to lose loved ones over the Holidays. People/relatives of mine always seem to die at one of two times; when we are away on a family vacation or around deer hunting season. My Uncle Gene actually died over his deer in the woods during hunting season.

Do I dread the Holidays because of my losses? No. Time has healed some of those wounds. I turn to fond memories to help ease the hurts that still exist. I wish I could share that ability with others. I see so many people who have it so rough emotionally at this time of year and wonder what hurts could run that deep to turn them so bitter.

So remember, when you feel down during the holidays, when you feel like the world is caving in on you, remember the good times, the good people that touched your life. Let the light of the happy times burn away the darkness and sadness of their loss, for as long as you remember the good times you shared, lost loved ones are never far away!

-Happy Holidays!!!

The Holiday Season Arrives

2005-11-13T21:50:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe its mid November? Isn't it?

In the last post, I ponder how time flies. It certainly does. Seems like only yesterday that we were dealing with Christmas and New Years. Fortunately, It looks like our travel session has been put off until mid January. That has made many of our travellers much happier. I guess I am happier too. It will make the work harder on site, but it gives us much more time to prepare for the onslaught.

I did something this year that I have never done before. I took vacation between Christmas and New Years. One of the benefits of my job is vacation that is based on percentages of the hours you work. I was able to take vacation in September and still have plenty of time off. I actually still have 5 or 6 days even counting what I plan on using over the holidays. Never had that kind of luxary in a job before. The extra days carry over to next year as well.. so I'm not under the gun to use them.

We did something else different this year. Mom and Dad's neighbors all decided that we would go out to eat on Halloween night instead of being bombarded by the onslaught of trick or treaters. No one has anything against the holiday or anything like that. It has become overblown. Instead of the local neighborhood kids from town, we get vans of kids from nearby Ohio and other local communities. I remember one Halloween where we counted over 400 tricker treaters.. and we live in a little town. Dinner was good and we had a good time chatting and talking about other things we could do as neighbors and friends. Dinner was much better than handing out treats to 18 year old "Kids" that don't even put on makeup or dress as something different.

The holidays bring both good and bad emotions. We have lots of laughs when we get together. There are usually tears when someone gets that 'special' gift or gets 'pranked'. There's a pea soup green hat and socks roaming around the family that shows up every few years... bleh! We miss the ones who are no longer with us. We look forward to seeing those who live out of town.

Happy Thanksgiving and don't eat too much!

Curtis

Time Flies!

2005-11-01T22:38:00.000-05:00

They say time flies when you're having fun...

Well I can't vouch for the fun part, but as I grow older, I notice time seems to pass more quickly. I can't say its always fun, but I'm still breathing so that has to count for something.

Here it is November already. It has been almost a year since mom's cancer was found. She got good news yesterday at the doctor. If her scan for December comes back as like the last one, they will take her off chemo. She will stay on Herceptin for some time to come. All in all, that was excellent news.

I am currently ramping up my brain to withstand another round of travel with the company I work for. We are rolling out a new drive scheme to all our field investigator, all 3800+ of them. Looks like I may get to see San Antonio, St. Louis, San Francisco and San Diego, as well as the familiar towns of Detroit and Dayton, Ohio. I enjoy travelling and hope to be able to catch a little bit of time in each location. There is a trip to Hawaii at the end to setup the project. They are going to award that one on merit of completing the initial phases. Their are favorite individuals in the group who will probably win out on the Hawaii deal, but thats ok. I'll have been able to get out of the area for a little bit anyway.

Things haven't been too bad overall since my last post. Hopefully that trend continues.

Long Time No Blog!

2005-10-20T21:42:00.000-05:00

Woops! I had a bunch of stuff to post and never did. Now I hope I can remember what it was.

Well, let me think .o O ( thinks and thinks some more )

The website for the class reunion went up and was well received. The first week I received a large number of submissions and comments on it. I was even contacted by a representative of the WMHS class of 1980 about possibly using the format for their reunion. I still get a few things here and there and will continue to post them as they arrive.

Work has been going pretty well of late. We have started a new project and I have been put on the team as Connectivity Coordinator. I have been handling our communications between our users and the network folks since I went out on an installation for several of our offices. In all, it won't be the most difficult aspect of the project, but it will require getting information together from departments that usually don't like to share information. There will be some traveling involved, which I really enjoy, so I'm looking forward to that.

Racing season has ended. I still haven't managed to get back to the track to make sure everything is put away. Everytime I think about stopping on the way home from work, it is raining. The forecast looks like rain for the rest of the week, so I doubt I'll get there this weekend. Thats ok, though. Technically, my resignation took affect after the last race. The owner has never called me to ask why or anything. She told me she would discuss it with me after the races but she left early both nights. Well, maybe not early, seeing as we ran very late both nights. I will miss working at the races this coming summer, but my back won't. I discovered late in the season this year that working at the track was keeping my back irrated. I've been having enough trouble with it lately, so I decided I can do without racing next season.

Anyway, Things are pretty decent at the moment. I've been learning how to use Photoshop so that I can make more fancy stuff for the sites. I'm finding it to be a fairly easy program to get good results with. The trick is learning all the little tricks. I have found some interesting tutorial sites to lend me a hand. Maybe someday you will see a site I created make the big time (HA HA HA HA HA). I'll believe that when I cash the big $$$ check.

Until next time, remember, "Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side and binds the universe together."

Reunions, decisions and life's irony

2005-10-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

A challenging decision. A rewarding weekend. An oppurtunity missed for a reason in the end.

Well, it has been a most interesting week or so. I had to make a choice between going to my 20th class reunion or working at the racetrack for "The Lil Guy Nationals" two day event. The race had been scheduled since early in the spring and I had just found out about the reunion within the last month. I decided that I had already made the commitment to the racetrack so I would work the races.
.

Everything transpired Friday Sept 30th and Saturday Oct 1st. It turned out to be a wise choice to work the track. We had to take a driver to the hospital via air ambulance on Friday night after he slammed into a pole at the corner of the fence at full throttle. I ended up overseeing extrication and removal of the driver to the helicopter. Friday and Saturday nights were both long nights, with record car counts each day.

At the same time, I also decided that I had some extra webspace and since I really didn't have a plan for it, I would create a class/reunion website (see the link above). I began laying out a simple, yet decent looking site. I caught up with Susan who heads up the committee for the reunion and let her know that if they wanted, I would post messages, biographies, photos and other information on the site. I think she thought I was joking, until she looked at the site. I have spent much of this week putting the pictures and informaton up on the website in the evenings after work. I have received many compliments on it from the classmates. The most interesting compliment, so far, has been a request by the West Middlesex Class of 1980 to use my site layouts for their reunion. That in itself says something to me, but what is more interesting, is that the person who is handling the site for the class of 80 is the Campus Web Architect for UMBC, Baltimore Maryland.

I'm still deciding about letting them use the layout, but I probably will. I have been told I will be given credit on the site. I have asked my classmates if they have any objections to doing so as well.

So, I guess this just goes to prove that life ironically will play out as it needs to, not just how you want it to.

Why is it that I'm always alone?

2005-09-24T23:17:00.000-05:00

Do I want to be a loner? I don't think I do. Maybe I'm the only one right for me?

Does anybody else ever get those times when you just feel like you're alone in the world? You can be in a crowded room with people you know, and feel like nobody notices you. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I have friends, I guess. I'm not into the bar scene or spending loads of money on concerts or drugs. When I go places with my friends, I feel that, alot of the time, I'm a third wheel. I feel like they brought me along just so I wouldn't be setting at home, yet I'm not part of the event either. The only time I feel like part of the group is when they have me come along because they need me to get something done for them.

I guess the main thing is that I don't seem to have that special relationship that is supposed to be part of growing up, part of the American Dream. Don't get me wrong, I know my life is not nearly as bad as others. It's just that everytime I think my life is turning a corner and things are starting to work out, something else comes to a screeching halt. The worst part is, most of the time, I see it coming and just don't do anything to avoid it.

I set goals for myself in highschool that I would not get involved in serious relationships until I was financially settled. I did this at the time because I had so many friends that were getting in over their heads. Most of the problems seemed to be that they were not ready financially, and mentally, for the roads they took. I saw this and decided I would wait until I knew everything was stable. Big Mistake! What was a simple goal to make my life better, has now become an anchor around my neck. Things never worked out. Finances never got stable. Months turned to years until it seems I've forgotten what it was I've been looking for.

I have people ask me why I'm 38 and not married. Sometimes, I wonder that myself. I'm not sure I even know how to have a relationship, successful or otherwise. I'm not even sure I can feel anything at all. Nights like tonight make me feel dull and cold inside, like an empty house that has long been vacant and not cared for. Am I broken, like an old rusty car that has been driven out into the field and left to rot, or have my choices in life driven me to be destined to be alone.

I feel so uncomfortable when I go out with friends (couples). They have things that I don't feel I'll ever have. I'm not referring to sex either. There is more to it than that. There is a bond, a caring and attachment that comes along with a stable relationship. A companionship that just isn't the same between peers. Someone to help you through rough times, someone to help, someone to share special moments with. Have I misunderstood what these kinds of relationships are to be? Am I expecting too much?

People keep telling me I should do this or have that. They ask me why I don't go out. I don't realy know why. I just don't. I don't enjoy going places by myself, especially when the few places to go are bars or clubs. Oh, well. Its getting late and I've rambled enough. I might as well go to bed since thats about the only thing interesting left to do.

-Goodnight

Is it a job, a career or just plain work?

2005-09-21T06:13:00.000-05:00

Knowing when you have a job, a career or work is a key to making life enjoyable.

Yes, I know, I haven't posted in a while. Its been hectic to say the least. I've been dealing with things in my life that sometimes are hard to define. Stress of work, Mom being sick, my back not recovering the way I would like and financial issues all seem to have a way of coming at you at the same time. I thought I would take a second to ponder the title question.

What is the difference between a job, a career and just plain ole work?

A job by definition is the act of working to complete a task. In the reality we call life, a job is what you go to everyday to earn money to pay your bills. A job is what you make of it, good, bad or ugly.

Work by definition is the act of completing a given task, a chore. Once again reality steps in and shows us work is the place you go everyday to make money, hopefully enough to pay your bills. Work in this sense usually is a negative thing. A chore discribes work well in this instance. It is stressful and in many cases its tough just to get through the week.

A career is that state of having a job that you want to be at for a long time. Usually, a career will be something you enjoy. You can judge success by looking at someones career. A person who has found their career will usually be happy and enjoying going to their place of business.

Where do I find myself currently? At work. When I started at my present job, it was fun and I actually enjoyed the tasks and people I was envolved with. This could possibly be the road to a career. Recently, the tasks have become less enjoyable due to the struggle that has been created by changes in our department. Now, it is simply work. It takes effort to get up in the morning and come in. It takes even more effort to make it through the day without blowing a gasket.

Change is to be for the good, but this change has been a harbinger of stress and toil. I can only hope it will become the grand thing everyone hoped it would be when they started making the change.

What will become of me here? I fear, that probably sooner than later, I will step up my search for new employment. I had hoped that this would the place where I could accumulate some training and knowledge that would benefit me later. As it stands, its the same daily grind. Oppurtunity that looked promising has become clouded and grey.

End of rant... for now. (HA HA)

Wow! What a long week, for having a holiday.

2005-09-08T21:13:00.000-05:00

Long Holiday weekends tend to make short work weeks. Right?

Well, as you can see, I haven't posted for several days. I believe in an earlier post I mentioned meeting myself coming and going. I think that actually happened this weekend.

Saturday was a quiet day relaxing, saving up my energy and resting my back, for the next couple days were to be a trial.

Sunday, in the afternoon, we set up a booth at a local 1 day festival called Buhl Day. We sell meatball sandwiches, nachos, and apple dumplings, as well as cold drinks. For several years, noone wanted to do this event because it was thought to be expensive and labor intensive. The labor intensive part is right! The apple dumplings go over very very well as do the sandwiches, so the expense is worth it. Actually, this year, EVERYTHING, except for maybe the containers and plastic untensils was donated, so there was only minor expenses. We setup Sunday night to pass electrical and fire inspection. Then bright and early, Monday morning (Labor Day), we meet at the church and load up everything and take it to the booth at the park.

This year, I finally got them convinced to use the enclosed trailer. I've wanted to do that since we started but it always got shot down. We loaded our 1300 apple dumplings, food prep supplies, cups and other goodies into the trailer and sauntered off. Yes! I said 1300 apple dumplings and we sold every one of them!! Sold all the meatballs sandwiches too!

I usually stay and help with the booth, but this year the race track scheduled a make up race on Labor Day. As head of security, It is hard to get out of working at the track, especially when it is a high profile race. I left the booth around 10:30 am and headed home to get ready for racing. To make a long story short, I returned home at about 1:20 am, after a looong day. I then proceed to get up for my regular job at 6 am. Can you say short night!

It was a fun weekend. I understand we cleared over $4000 on the booth, so it was well worth it.

Now, as I sit here, preparing to drag myself into Friday, I check to see if someone took hours out of a couple of days on the weekend and stuffed them into yesterday and today at work.

I think I passed myself along the way this week

2005-08-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

Ever feel like you're never going to catch up?

What a month so far! To Michigan on vacation then back to work one day then off to the DC area for work. I don't know whether I got content being out of the office or whether its just all catching up to me. Today I feel like crap. Went into work later because we were supposed to have a conference call at 4. ( I normally leave at 3:30). Found out they postponed the meeting until tomorrow. D'oh!

Just about the time I was leaving, the manager caught up to me and asked if I would take a look at one of the Execs computers. Ended up setting up email settings on 3 different computers. Ended up working over 45 minutes.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job and most of the people I work with, but sometimes everything gets piled on and you wonder if you ever will get out from under it.

I did manage to take a bit of time the last couple nights to work on my own computers and update my website photo pages abit. Put my pictures from DC and Michigan up. Now if I can get a couple nights to finish I should be good. The funny thing about websites.. good ones are never finished. I learned that the hard way. HAHA.

Take a bath!!!

2005-08-28T12:16:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else sensitive to perfumes and colognes?

Today, for the first time in over probably a month and a half, I decided to go to church. I've been out of town so much the last few months and with my back not cooperating, I haven't been going. I know, I know, baaaaaad me!.

Back to the rant... errr.. what I was saying. I get ready, hop in the the truck and off I go. I arrive at the church, early, no less. I hop out of the truck and walk across the parking lot. As I walk up onto the front walk, BOOM!, I get hit in the face by the smell (AND TASTE) of perfume. Not just a light wiff through the air, mind you, but enough to take my breath away. Immediately, the thought raced through my head

. o O ( If its this bad out here, what is it going to be like IN THERE ????)

I know its not proper to put yourself above God, but in this case, I couldn't see myself getting much out of the service with my eyes burning and my nose draining. I seem to remember that God thought it important to breath. He stirred the breath into that ball of dust and clay that became Adam. I think that's the reason we do it so automatically. Well there is that little quirk that if you stop for too long, you die. (I don't know why people make such a big deal about that). (Sarcasm)

I turned around and hopped back in the truck and left.

I know that utility bills can be expensive, but I've seen the price of some of these "stink 'ems". One could easily take a shower with some good ole fashioned soap many many times for what one little bottle of some of this stuff costs. And at the way the person today was using it, they must have a 55 gallon drum of it at home.

So folks, if you think you smell perdy with that junk on.. think again. Take a bath, a shower, spray yourself off with a hose, take a dip in a pond or lake, play in a mud puddle... please do not assult my senses by dumping that "stink 'em" all over you. When you're sensitive to it.. a little can go a looooong loooong way. (End of rant.. Thank you for your time)

Ever tried redoing a website?

2005-08-28T12:05:00.000-05:00

It seems to take forever!

I started the project of redoing my website this past spring because I was quickly running out of room on my alotted space. "How could this be?", I asked myself. After a little checking, I found out just "how it could be". My lowly little website had amassed well over 450 pictures of varying sizes. WOW!

What to do?! I never really planned for the site to look the way it did and was never really satisfied with the layout. So now that I owned a computer capable of running things like Photoshop, I set to work. I created rollover buttons and menus. Framed out the picture pages so that they would be semi organized and load faster. I themed the site to look the same throughout as apposed to the random layout of before.

It seems as though its taking forever, but stick with me, because its not finished yet and my storage space more than doubled. This blog has also been linked to the site so people can read my rantings.

Whos Niki? ( I thought you knew )

2005-08-28T00:39:00.000-05:00

Niki is a good friend I've known for quite some time. We met while chatting in the Yahoo Star Wars Chatrooms. I go visit her from time to time in Michigan (thats where she lives, btw). We go to the annual Michigan Ren Fest. I help maintain her computer and keep a website running for her to sell her doll clothes on. She also sells doll clothes at craft shows and such around the area. We get along pretty well and she puts up with my corny jokes. I say 'puts up with', because sometimes they get pretty lame. Niki is the kind of friend you feel comfortable talking about anything with.

(Oh, The picture on the left is at Ren Fest this year. The one on the left is 2 years ago at Ren Fest)

Yes, if you read the last post.. which was actually the first post.. you will notice I have never made it to bed yet.

The First Post

2005-08-27T22:26:00.000-05:00

Ok, here we go.

I just returned Friday from another corporate trip to the Washington DC area. Being a pc tech for a large background investigation company, I get the occassional oppurtunity to travel to outside offices.

Tonight, I'm feeling a bit tired from all the running around. Not only did I return from the DC area Friday night, but I had just returned a week ago Friday from vacation at my friend Niki's in Michigan. A day in the office and I was out the door again.

I enjoy travelling. In the link posted above, you will find numerous photos of places I've been and things I like to do.

It's getting kind of late so I think I will meander off towards bed.