Why is it that I'm always alone?

Do I want to be a loner? I don't think I do. Maybe I'm the only one right for me?

Does anybody else ever get those times when you just feel like you're alone in the world? You can be in a crowded room with people you know, and feel like nobody notices you. Tonight is one of those nights for me.

I have friends, I guess. I'm not into the bar scene or spending loads of money on concerts or drugs. When I go places with my friends, I feel that, alot of the time, I'm a third wheel. I feel like they brought me along just so I wouldn't be setting at home, yet I'm not part of the event either. The only time I feel like part of the group is when they have me come along because they need me to get something done for them.

I guess the main thing is that I don't seem to have that special relationship that is supposed to be part of growing up, part of the American Dream. Don't get me wrong, I know my life is not nearly as bad as others. It's just that everytime I think my life is turning a corner and things are starting to work out, something else comes to a screeching halt. The worst part is, most of the time, I see it coming and just don't do anything to avoid it.

I set goals for myself in highschool that I would not get involved in serious relationships until I was financially settled. I did this at the time because I had so many friends that were getting in over their heads. Most of the problems seemed to be that they were not ready financially, and mentally, for the roads they took. I saw this and decided I would wait until I knew everything was stable. Big Mistake! What was a simple goal to make my life better, has now become an anchor around my neck. Things never worked out. Finances never got stable. Months turned to years until it seems I've forgotten what it was I've been looking for.

I have people ask me why I'm 38 and not married. Sometimes, I wonder that myself. I'm not sure I even know how to have a relationship, successful or otherwise. I'm not even sure I can feel anything at all. Nights like tonight make me feel dull and cold inside, like an empty house that has long been vacant and not cared for. Am I broken, like an old rusty car that has been driven out into the field and left to rot, or have my choices in life driven me to be destined to be alone.

I feel so uncomfortable when I go out with friends (couples). They have things that I don't feel I'll ever have. I'm not referring to sex either. There is more to it than that. There is a bond, a caring and attachment that comes along with a stable relationship. A companionship that just isn't the same between peers. Someone to help you through rough times, someone to help, someone to share special moments with. Have I misunderstood what these kinds of relationships are to be? Am I expecting too much?

People keep telling me I should do this or have that. They ask me why I don't go out. I don't realy know why. I just don't. I don't enjoy going places by myself, especially when the few places to go are bars or clubs. Oh, well. Its getting late and I've rambled enough. I might as well go to bed since thats about the only thing interesting left to do.

-Goodnight

Is it a job, a career or just plain work?

Knowing when you have a job, a career or work is a key to making life enjoyable.

Yes, I know, I haven't posted in a while. Its been hectic to say the least. I've been dealing with things in my life that sometimes are hard to define. Stress of work, Mom being sick, my back not recovering the way I would like and financial issues all seem to have a way of coming at you at the same time. I thought I would take a second to ponder the title question.

What is the difference between a job, a career and just plain ole work?

A job by definition is the act of working to complete a task. In the reality we call life, a job is what you go to everyday to earn money to pay your bills. A job is what you make of it, good, bad or ugly.

Work by definition is the act of completing a given task, a chore. Once again reality steps in and shows us work is the place you go everyday to make money, hopefully enough to pay your bills. Work in this sense usually is a negative thing. A chore discribes work well in this instance. It is stressful and in many cases its tough just to get through the week.

A career is that state of having a job that you want to be at for a long time. Usually, a career will be something you enjoy. You can judge success by looking at someones career. A person who has found their career will usually be happy and enjoying going to their place of business.

Where do I find myself currently? At work. When I started at my present job, it was fun and I actually enjoyed the tasks and people I was envolved with. This could possibly be the road to a career. Recently, the tasks have become less enjoyable due to the struggle that has been created by changes in our department. Now, it is simply work. It takes effort to get up in the morning and come in. It takes even more effort to make it through the day without blowing a gasket.

Change is to be for the good, but this change has been a harbinger of stress and toil. I can only hope it will become the grand thing everyone hoped it would be when they started making the change.

What will become of me here? I fear, that probably sooner than later, I will step up my search for new employment. I had hoped that this would the place where I could accumulate some training and knowledge that would benefit me later. As it stands, its the same daily grind. Oppurtunity that looked promising has become clouded and grey.

End of rant... for now. (HA HA)

Wow! What a long week, for having a holiday.

Long Holiday weekends tend to make short work weeks. Right?

Well, as you can see, I haven't posted for several days. I believe in an earlier post I mentioned meeting myself coming and going. I think that actually happened this weekend.

Saturday was a quiet day relaxing, saving up my energy and resting my back, for the next couple days were to be a trial.

Sunday, in the afternoon, we set up a booth at a local 1 day festival called Buhl Day. We sell meatball sandwiches, nachos, and apple dumplings, as well as cold drinks. For several years, noone wanted to do this event because it was thought to be expensive and labor intensive. The labor intensive part is right! The apple dumplings go over very very well as do the sandwiches, so the expense is worth it. Actually, this year, EVERYTHING, except for maybe the containers and plastic untensils was donated, so there was only minor expenses. We setup Sunday night to pass electrical and fire inspection. Then bright and early, Monday morning (Labor Day), we meet at the church and load up everything and take it to the booth at the park.

This year, I finally got them convinced to use the enclosed trailer. I've wanted to do that since we started but it always got shot down. We loaded our 1300 apple dumplings, food prep supplies, cups and other goodies into the trailer and sauntered off. Yes! I said 1300 apple dumplings and we sold every one of them!! Sold all the meatballs sandwiches too!

I usually stay and help with the booth, but this year the race track scheduled a make up race on Labor Day. As head of security, It is hard to get out of working at the track, especially when it is a high profile race. I left the booth around 10:30 am and headed home to get ready for racing. To make a long story short, I returned home at about 1:20 am, after a looong day. I then proceed to get up for my regular job at 6 am. Can you say short night!

It was a fun weekend. I understand we cleared over $4000 on the booth, so it was well worth it.

Now, as I sit here, preparing to drag myself into Friday, I check to see if someone took hours out of a couple of days on the weekend and stuffed them into yesterday and today at work.