Does anybody else ever get those times when you just feel like you're alone in the world? You can be in a crowded room with people you know, and feel like nobody notices you. Tonight is one of those nights for me.
I have friends, I guess. I'm not into the bar scene or spending loads of money on concerts or drugs. When I go places with my friends, I feel that, alot of the time, I'm a third wheel. I feel like they brought me along just so I wouldn't be setting at home, yet I'm not part of the event either. The only time I feel like part of the group is when they have me come along because they need me to get something done for them.
I guess the main thing is that I don't seem to have that special relationship that is supposed to be part of growing up, part of the American Dream. Don't get me wrong, I know my life is not nearly as bad as others. It's just that everytime I think my life is turning a corner and things are starting to work out, something else comes to a screeching halt. The worst part is, most of the time, I see it coming and just don't do anything to avoid it.
I set goals for myself in highschool that I would not get involved in serious relationships until I was financially settled. I did this at the time because I had so many friends that were getting in over their heads. Most of the problems seemed to be that they were not ready financially, and mentally, for the roads they took. I saw this and decided I would wait until I knew everything was stable. Big Mistake! What was a simple goal to make my life better, has now become an anchor around my neck. Things never worked out. Finances never got stable. Months turned to years until it seems I've forgotten what it was I've been looking for.
I have people ask me why I'm 38 and not married. Sometimes, I wonder that myself. I'm not sure I even know how to have a relationship, successful or otherwise. I'm not even sure I can feel anything at all. Nights like tonight make me feel dull and cold inside, like an empty house that has long been vacant and not cared for. Am I broken, like an old rusty car that has been driven out into the field and left to rot, or have my choices in life driven me to be destined to be alone.
I feel so uncomfortable when I go out with friends (couples). They have things that I don't feel I'll ever have. I'm not referring to sex either. There is more to it than that. There is a bond, a caring and attachment that comes along with a stable relationship. A companionship that just isn't the same between peers. Someone to help you through rough times, someone to help, someone to share special moments with. Have I misunderstood what these kinds of relationships are to be? Am I expecting too much?
People keep telling me I should do this or have that. They ask me why I don't go out. I don't realy know why. I just don't. I don't enjoy going places by myself, especially when the few places to go are bars or clubs. Oh, well. Its getting late and I've rambled enough. I might as well go to bed since thats about the only thing interesting left to do.
-Goodnight
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