Choosing Life's Direction

Choosing a direction in life can be challenging, if not sometimes down right frazzling. The more I go through life the more I realize that no matter what choices I make, there are always more choices around the bend. Sometimes, I feel like the above sign. One part of me knows that I need to go right, but no matter how hard I try, I seem to always end up going the wrong way.

I'd always thought that by the time I was in my mid 30's I would have my direction figured out. I'd be set on a path that would lead to a happy ending or at least in the direction I thought I wanted to go. I never found that path. All along the way, I would look at the road map laid out before me and there would be my destination. Somehow, The closer I got to the destination I wanted to be at, the further away it seemed to be.

I thought I took all the right turns, but like getting directions from another tourist, I always ended up in what I thought was the right place feeling out of place. I felt like I picked up a brochure to a wonderful museum. When I walked through the doors, I was standing in dark burnt out structure once dictated by the artwork in my hand. All that I had expected to see as I walked through the equally well adorned doors was no more than soot under my shoes. The feeling of sadness swept across me. The bubble of elation that had surrounded me burst, leaving me exposed to the wind sweeping through the debris, blowing its blackness onto my clothes.

I try to think out my decisions, make the best one I can for me. Sometimes, my thoughts betray me and lead me to second guess what should have been the natural choice. Other times, things get thrown in my path. Distractions that should be easily stepped over. A branch here... A stone there... Sometimes it seems I am meant to stumble just to see if I can catch myself. Often, it feels as though the stones are hurdled at me with just enough force to try to turn me away. Bruise me just enough to send me off so that I am distracted from my goal.

I watch things come and go in my life. I wonder am I doing enough? too much? the right thing? Most of the time, I find myself simply questioning... Where should I go? Which way should I turn? Will this even work out at all? Am I just jealous of what someone else has attained? I find myself praying to be a different person. Someone who has let go of the restraints of the past and isn't afraid to jump into the pool headlong without debating whether the water is too warm or too cold. Too many times in my life, it seems I've waited until I was knocked off either one side or the other of the fence, to find out its pretty interesting down on the ground instead of withdrawn from the crowd out of the way.

Which way will I go next? Do I even know what choices are being offered? Am I standing in the darkness, gazing at the light coming through the embers of something that never was? Last Monday, I would have boldly answered that I knew what was going on. Today, I am twisted with the thoughts of possibilities that I really don't have any control over.

Lord, I pray you will help me gather the strength to put my legs back underneath me and give me the courage to face whatever lies ahead. I feel so lost, show me the way... please.

I'll Stand Right Here...

... where I belong.

There are times in everyone's lives when we run up against a situation that overwhelms us. It can be a serious health condition, an accident, problems at home or work or any number of other things. Whatever the cause we're forced to make decisions that we normally wouldn't make. These decisions are often driven by our need to protect ourselves from further harm.

When these situations involve emotional or family problems, they can be difficult to cure. Many times these types of problems fester just like an infected wound, until they are so bad that the cause of the original issues can not be found. The original hurts no longer even matter because the damage is so great. We do our best to make the best decisions so that the whole of the problem gets resolved. Because of the stresses associated with the problem, we sometimes unintentionally do things that make the problem worse. A problem that had appeared to be healing becomes reaggrevated.

It is within these times we often lose our support base. We even find that sometimes we didn't have the support we thought we did. These are the times we find who our true friends are. They are the ones that have seen us stumble. They watched us make a fool of ourselves. Even though they know every bad turn and slip up we might make, they keep picking us up and dusting us off. These are the people who are few and far between in our lives.

These types of friends not only stand by us to steady us, but sometimes even get drawn into the muck right along with us. They don't complain. They stand up for us even when we don't have the strength to stand. They take the blows and continue on. They shed tears for us just because they care. Why do they do these things? Because this is what true friends do. They love us unconditionally for who we are, all of who we are: Our good qualities, Our bad qualities, Our mistakes, Our weird ideas, Our successes, Our good and bad choices and even when we think we might have disappointed them.

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To the one who knows why this was written. I'll stand right here by your side... right where I belong. If they choose to judge me for that, then let them judge. If they feel I'm blind, they are correct for I refuse to see the transgressions they are so quick to point out as a reason to give up on you. When you feel alone and in the dark, I'm right here by your side... just reach out.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Did you ever make a decision and wonder whether that was the right one or not? I'm at one of those points in my life right now.

I think I made the right choice, but circumstances so far haven't pointed in that direction. I have a feeling that as things progress, friends who are now well wishers will become aggravated because of the position this situation puts me in. I don't really have a choice in the matter because no matter what choice I make someone is going to end up the loser. Me for not making the choice I should or them for taking the tasks to hand and playing out what is dealt.

I've actually thought a lot about this the last week as things have unfolded and projects were laid in my path. It seems every time an opportunity presents itself, little things crop up to try and trip me. Things like; paper work getting lost, unforeseen bills suddenly cropping up or people who have no business being involved in the matter, suddenly raising a fuss and delaying my life.

Tonight another one of those things cropped up to beat me over the head. I know that its probably just a coincidence, but the timing is impeccable. I planned a trip a some time ago to go visit a friend and do some things. I've done this trip multiple times without incident. Tonight, I ran over what appears to be a stone. It punctured my tire to the point I will have to probably replace the tire. Lovely timing.

I had given thought to not coming on this weekend trip, just because I had a strange feeling something wasn't going to go right. I've had this feeling ever since voicing my decision. I hope a flat tire is the whole of the problems. The weekend to relieve stress has become a thorn of its own. Oh well, I'm going to enjoy some time with friends even if I end up having to take the bus back home because my truck falls completely apart.

Now, I sit here typing this at 1:50 in the morning as the neighbors argue about who stared at whom at the bar tonight. It's a good thing I was already awake, because after the tire incident, I could probably give this group of drunken nitwits a piece of my mind. Fortunately for them, they are not my neighbors and I won't say anything as I don't want them coming back on my friend for having an idiot guest yell at them.

I'm sure this all equates to no more than nerves that I've made the right decision and in a few weeks I'll look back and laugh at the stupidity of it all. Until then, on with the party of green.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Animal Instincts

I know we've all experienced animals that seem to sense things before we humans catch on to them. We hear about animals acting odd before catastrophic events such as earthquakes. I was thinking more on an every day level, such as when an animal recognizes that someone is afraid of it.

I find it interesting that animals seem to know who is afraid, who they trust and who they need to stay away from. My best friend's cat exhibits this behavoir on a grand scale. When I first visited, the cat would only come out for a few moments. When he did, he would walk no closer to me than arms length. I might be able to get a quick stroke down his back before he would jet off. Mr. Cat has the well known habit of only liking his owner. She is the only one that can hold him for any length of time. He will curl up with her and ignore anyone else. If strange people are around, you'll have a difficult time finding him.

The last few times I've visited, Mr. Cat has shown an interesting new turn. He will now meander back and forth between she and I. He is even funnier when she and I are both sitting on the couch. He will lay with one of us for a while, then maybe the other. This past visit, he started laying between us. He stretches his body so that he has part of himself touching both of us at any time. He's a fairly large cat so even if she is at one end and I'm at the other end of the couch, he can still reach us both.

Ever since the first time I visited her, I've got the feeling that Mr. Cat might be a little jealous that I was trying to steal her away from him. Now that he's realizing that he is my friend as well, he seems to be more accepting of me. I can even pick him up now, all-be-it for a short period of time.

He got a suprise this weekend during my visit. We had a little New Year's get together. He hid when he heard strangers in the apartment. After a while, he must have recognized some of the voices. He ventured out. He hopped up on the end of the couch to greet my friend's cousin. He quickly came to the realization there were other people there and he bolted off to his hiding place. He did manage to come out later and hang nearby.

This is just one example of what I'm talking about, but it seems that most animals exhibit similar tendencies.