Choosing Life's Direction

Choosing a direction in life can be challenging, if not sometimes down right frazzling. The more I go through life the more I realize that no matter what choices I make, there are always more choices around the bend. Sometimes, I feel like the above sign. One part of me knows that I need to go right, but no matter how hard I try, I seem to always end up going the wrong way.

I'd always thought that by the time I was in my mid 30's I would have my direction figured out. I'd be set on a path that would lead to a happy ending or at least in the direction I thought I wanted to go. I never found that path. All along the way, I would look at the road map laid out before me and there would be my destination. Somehow, The closer I got to the destination I wanted to be at, the further away it seemed to be.

I thought I took all the right turns, but like getting directions from another tourist, I always ended up in what I thought was the right place feeling out of place. I felt like I picked up a brochure to a wonderful museum. When I walked through the doors, I was standing in dark burnt out structure once dictated by the artwork in my hand. All that I had expected to see as I walked through the equally well adorned doors was no more than soot under my shoes. The feeling of sadness swept across me. The bubble of elation that had surrounded me burst, leaving me exposed to the wind sweeping through the debris, blowing its blackness onto my clothes.

I try to think out my decisions, make the best one I can for me. Sometimes, my thoughts betray me and lead me to second guess what should have been the natural choice. Other times, things get thrown in my path. Distractions that should be easily stepped over. A branch here... A stone there... Sometimes it seems I am meant to stumble just to see if I can catch myself. Often, it feels as though the stones are hurdled at me with just enough force to try to turn me away. Bruise me just enough to send me off so that I am distracted from my goal.

I watch things come and go in my life. I wonder am I doing enough? too much? the right thing? Most of the time, I find myself simply questioning... Where should I go? Which way should I turn? Will this even work out at all? Am I just jealous of what someone else has attained? I find myself praying to be a different person. Someone who has let go of the restraints of the past and isn't afraid to jump into the pool headlong without debating whether the water is too warm or too cold. Too many times in my life, it seems I've waited until I was knocked off either one side or the other of the fence, to find out its pretty interesting down on the ground instead of withdrawn from the crowd out of the way.

Which way will I go next? Do I even know what choices are being offered? Am I standing in the darkness, gazing at the light coming through the embers of something that never was? Last Monday, I would have boldly answered that I knew what was going on. Today, I am twisted with the thoughts of possibilities that I really don't have any control over.

Lord, I pray you will help me gather the strength to put my legs back underneath me and give me the courage to face whatever lies ahead. I feel so lost, show me the way... please.