Right out of Dilbert...

So here we are, the four of us, sitting in my boss' office. The meeting was called to fine tune details of a multi-phase project that we are trying to get approved. It will give us full redundant power, new environmental controls and some other items desperately needed in the Data Center.

I guess the first thing you need to understand is that, as Project Manager, I was just brought into this project recently. The second thing is that, no matter how hard he tries, my boss does not understand electrical loading and proves it frequently. During a meeting a couple weeks ago, we were discussing what all was entailed in putting this new electrical system in. The electrician laid out all the equipment he was going to need to put in. Having experience in power distribution for amp racks, cameras, lighting and other goodies, I quickly recognized a problem. We were about to embark on putting two very large transformers into the same room as our sensitive equipment, servers, switches and such. These items like clean stable power and are do not like to be exposed to stray electromagnetic interference and heat. These two transformers are basically huge wire wound magnetic fields generators that produce enough heat to fry your breakfast. We won't even get into the noise switching gear that goes in with them to kick everything over to the generators in the event of power failure. Let's just call putting all this stuff in the Data Center space "a bad idea at best".

At this point, I'll let you in another little fact. There is an office in the Network Services space just outside the Data Center. There has been noone put into this office since it was vacated by its previous tenant. This has been because of not wanting to have any one Network Services employee be given prefernce over the other (also known as preventing bad feelings). As the equipment was spelled out on the white board before us, I immediately sensed impending doom from two fronts. The first being: "Where the heck is all this stuff going to fit in an already crowded Data Center?" Secondly, and no less important: "What kind of heat and interference are we going to inject into the room with this equipment?" We are already doubling the size of the air handler to a 20 ton unit.

My brain immediately clicks on a solution that will fix our power equipment concerns AND solve the problem with who gets that spare office. "Put all this gear in the spare office." I state, almost like I knew what I was doing. "Its wall is the outside block wall of the Data Center, making it the perfect place for an Electrical Room." Bells and whistles go off. Lights begin to flash and the room is abuzz with chatter as everyone agrees that would solve all our issues. Heat, Electromagnetic Noise, Radio Frequency Interference and Vibration all become non-issues as the room is on building ventilation and its outside the concrete walls of the Data Center, yet close enough to meet codes and wiring requirments.

Back to today's meeting. We are going over the details again. The project now has gone from replacing the HVAC Unit and some wiring to a full five, yes count 'em five, phases. My boss proclaims in a very loud voice "I'm glad I thought of using that office as an electrical room!" I didn't say a word. I didn't have to. The electrician and the guy that deals with our facilities both turned and looked right at me like "He stole your idea as his own!?" I guess these guys don't read Dilbert. I knew the boss would do that. It made him look like a genius to the directors because he was solving a bunch of issues with a room we already had built. HAHA! That's the way it goes. We all got a good chuckle out of it after he left the room.

Lunar Eclipse

Last night we had a lovely lunar eclipse. I thought at first we wouldn't be able to see it due to cloud cover. The clouds broke and the moon stayed clearly visible for about 2 hours. I took a lot of photos with my Canon Powershot 560 camera varying ISO and other settings just to see what kind of night pictures it took.

I had almost forgotten about the eclipse when the phone rang. It was Mom calling to ask if I'd seen the moon yet. I jumped outside real quick and found it to be way too cold to stand out without protection for my hands and feet. I went back in and put on some warmer clothes then grabbed the camera and tripod. I'm tinkering with Photoshop to throw a few of the images together to see the progression. I didn't get quite as many good pictures as i would have liked.

Dad found my telescope while they were cleaning out closets at their place. I should have brought it down to my place and taken the pictures through it. They would have come out much better. Oh well, live and learn. I really hadn't thought that we'd even be able to see the sky due to the expected cloud cover.

Some days ya just feel old

Did you ever have one of those days where you just feel old? Today is one of those days for me.

I was sitting at home messing around on the computer last night, when Mom informed me that an old family friend had passed away about 10:30pm. “Lilly” was 97. She had been one of my grandmother’s closest friends in later years. As we discussed Lilly’s last few years, it brought back memories of my grandmother just before she passed away. Just like Grandma, Lilly too had dementia which greatly affected her daily life. As the mind went away, the past became the present. Memories long laid dormant by age, suddenly sprang to life. With Grandma, it was the coal furnace. Any time she got cold, the coal must be running low in the furnace. Lilly had similar things that came to the forefront. Lilly had broken her hip recently and had been taken to a personal care home. Her health was never really the same after that. It seems that trauma to the body weakened the frail hold that the mind had on its current reality.

As we talked, I thought about things of the past. Have you ever been part of a church or local organization for a long period of time? You get to know the families of those involved. As the years pass, new people come and go, but there are always those certain individuals that remain part of the scene. It was this way at our church. Lilly was the last of my grandmother’s generation. In our discussion, we found that Clint is the only person remaining between Lilly and Mom/Dad’s generation. This realization was a bit rough for Mom, even more so, with her recent bouts with Cancer. As it is with everything, the old generation passes the torch to the next. I myself found myself feeling old.

I don’t think much about Grandma and Grandpa anymore. It’s been a long time since they passed away. Lilly’s passing has brought back memories, both happy and sad. I’ll go to the funeral home for calling hours and such. Our families have been friends for almost all of my 40 years. I know her family will miss her, but just like with my grandma, Lilly’s mind is now free from the confusion of the dementia. Her body is free from pain. She is now in a far better place.

Another weekend passes

This weekend was a long weekend due to President's Day. I work for a government contractor and they declared today a paid holiday. Almost any day to take off and still get paid, is as good a reason as any to avoid the office.

It turned out to be a nice weekend to get things done. I started out Saturday morning with getting the oil changed in the truck, washing the truck and getting my hair cut. I came home. Took a break, then headed off to clean the bathroom. I cleaned up the kitchen a little, emptying the dishwasher and loading up my soup bowls.

Sunday, I continued picking things up around the house. I took the afternoon off to go up to Mom and Dad's to watch the Daytona 500 in High Def on their new flat screen tv. I am still amazed at the brilliance of color and the amount of detail you can see. Fox did their typical funky job of broadcasting a race. They haven't quite got the hang of it yet. Camera mounts were shoddy, allowing the cameras to wiggle and bobble when the cars roared past. Shot direction was pourly chosen with a couple of occassions during the pre-show catching their own cameramen out of position or shooting other camerman who were goofing off. Hopefully, they will get it together in time.

I came home after the race. I spent an hour or so surfing the net while waiting for the new Knight Rider TV Movie to come on. I enjoyed the old Knight Rider and was interested to see how the new show went over. There have been multiple attempts, failures is more like it, to create new Knight Rider shows. This one seemed the best I've seen so far. The Mustang seemed to pull of KITT successfully. I'm not sure about Val Kilmer as the voice of KITT though. At times, his voice lost the steady, emotionless strength of a computer and became kind of wishy washy. Some of the new technologies onboard were pretty cool. The ananamorphic armor skin that was self-healing and could change color and features of the exterior of the car was interesting. We didn't get to see many more of KITT's weapons other than its anamorphic armor and its high speed mode. If the show becomes a series, it will be interesting to see how they shake KITT down.

The show ended and I came back to the computer to kill some time. I wasn't very tired and didn't feel like reading. I looked at my MySpace page and thought "Ya know, I don't even know if anyone looks at this thing anymore, but I'm getting tired of the eagle background." I proceded to come up with a Knight Rider themed page using the Mustang as the center piece. I ended up monkeying with photoshop until almost 2 in the morning. I finally came up with something I liked, although I still may redo KITT again. I blurred him to make him fit into the page better, but when I saved it to the profile, he came out too blurred. At 2 am, I was too tired to post the changes to my account, so I left the eagle fly one more night.

Today, Monday, I got up to freezing rain and snow, again. I poked around and posted the redone MySpace Profile. I spent the morning talking to a couple of friends. During one conversation, I got a good laugh. It turns out there appears to be a rumor out there of the demise of my single status. I assure you that this is NOT the case. I don't know where these rumors start. This one is a stretch at best. It gets even better since I'm not talking to the individual that I'm supposed to be getting hitched with. Oh well, just more fuel on the never ending fires of life.

I'll close here for tonight and see what tomorrow brings. I wouldn't be surprised to find more snow and ice.

Do Weather Guys Get Paid Well?

I'm sitting here this afternoon wondering something. Do weather people get paid well?

Yesterday, we had the freezing rain/sleet/snow deal. Last night before I went to bed, I intentionally took the time to watch the weather on the news. Two different stations both exclaimed that today would be sunny with no snow or rain and we should hit somewhere around 40 degrees.

I went over to the Post Office this morning. I found that it was snowing with a mixed in freezing mist. I did my running around and came home and it was still doing the same thing. Its now 3:35 in the afternoon. Its still gloomy out. I wish I could get paid good money to look at some computer screens and throw out a proverbial guess as to what the weather will do in the coming days.

I guess its a good day to curl up and read. I think that's what I'll do... Maybe later I'll go get drunk. That would be something new for a change.

Weird Dreams and Other Stuff...

The last week or so, I have tried to get into the habit of reading at least a half an hour or so before going to sleep. I enjoy reading but usually only do so when I feel like it. I don't know if that has something to do with last night or not.

I went to bed. I read about 2 and a half chapters of my current book. The windows were rattingly as it was extremely windy with a combination of rain and snow pelting down in between. The clock read 12:38 when I decided to put the book down and turn the light off. I laid there in the dark listening to the wind and rain as I drifted off.

I had a rather weird dream, not that the dreams I usually remember are anything less than weird. I had gone out on a Saturday with a gal from work. She lived to the east of the office so I drove over to her place and we went from there. We did whatever it was that we had planned and I headed home for the night. I took the back roads home as her house wasn't near the interstate. As I crossed one lonely stretch, headlights suddenly appeared to my right. I was about to be hit by a truck that was flying out of the middle of a farmer's field.

The impact was hard, centered just in front of my passenger door. It sent my truck spinning and tumbling across the road. I awoke in the hospital some unknown amount of time later. I had suffered only some minor cuts and bruising. The doctors told me they would keep me overnight to observe me as I was unconscious when the ambulance crew brought me in. I was eventually moved to a room. It wasn't until then that I realized that it was morning.

A state cop showed up and asked me if I recalled what happened. I explained as best I could. The lights seemed to come on just as the truck came to the edge of the field, making avoiding the collision almost impossible. The officer told me that there were 5 people in the truck. The driver had been killed when his truck burst into flame. The impact had trapped him behind the wheel. The two passengers in the front seat had managed to escape the burning wreckage but were both critically injured. Two other people had been thrown from the bed of the truck. The police still weren't sure what the group were doing in the field, but all the occupants of the second truck were drunk beyond the state's legal limit. As dawn broke, they found another truck buried up to its axles in mud far back in the field. Apparently, the two guys in the bed of the truck were from the stuck vehicle.

The doctors released me from the hospital. I was told that since I had a desk job, I could go work if I wanted, but I probably should take a day or two off to rest up. The police officer came back just before I went home to tell me they had questioned one of the lesser injured individuals and now had the whole story. They had notified the insurance company of the other driver and arrangements were being made to replace my truck and pay my medical bills. I went home to rest. On the way home, We stopped at the salvage yard where they had taken the remains of both vehicles. The officer had told us where they were. I wanted to get some pictures to send my insurance company, just in case things fell through with the other drivers company.

The next morning, I didn't feel like staying home to brood on the fact that the driver of the other truck had burned to death in his vehicle. Mom and Dad offered me one of their vehicles to drive to work. I got to work and began doing remedial tasks to pass the time. I was surprised that I didn't hurt more than I did for having been tumbled in what the pictures showed to be now little more than a couple thousand pound piece of scrap. Some time around 10 o'clock, our boss called us all into his office. He told us that one of the guys was killed over the weekend when he wrecked his truck. Instantly, a light went on in my brain. Could it be?! I rushed back to my desk leaving the whole gang wondering what was going on. I pulled up the pictures stored on my jump drive. I looked for signs of what the offending drivers truck might have been. As the boss and my coworkers came out to see why I had left in such a hurry, I explained that I too had been in an accident over the weekend and the driver of the other truck was killed. After looking at the pictures, we decided that the truck could have been his truck. The extent of the fire damage made it very difficult to identify the color or make of the vehicle.

I called the state trooper who interviewed me and asked if he had the other driver's name. He hadn't offered it and I hadn't thought to ask with everything going on. Sure enough, it turned out to be our coworker. The officer said he had talked further with one of the guys who had been thrown from the bed of the truck. Our co-worker had been up in that area for his bowling league night. Afterwards, a group of them had gone off-roading and got one of the trucks stuck. They had been riding out to get someone to help pull them out. They were thrown when the truck hit the ditch just before the edge of the road. The police now estimated the truck was going between 50 and 70 miles per hour when it hit the ditch.

That's where the dream ended and I awoke wondering why I would have such an odd dream. The guy who died in the dream is one I would consider a friend and he's not a bad guy. Odd... Odd indeed.

Taking advantage of a bargain

Mom and dad's tv blew up this past week. They went a couple places and looked at several models, but decided they wanted me to go look at them too. Today was set aside as "drag Curtis all over the countryside day".

I told them that we should go to Best Buy or Circuit City so they could see all the different models side-by-side. This way they could choose based on features, price and quality of picture and could even play around with settings if they wanted. Off we went. Best Buy had a nice selection. One of the key things they were questioning was what size to buy as the new widescreen format was so different from the 27" tv they've had for the past 20+ years. I took a brochure from one of the displays.. held it up to a standard 27" tv that was on another shelf collecting dust and tore it to the screen height. We then went over to the flat panels and found which screen size was closest in height, the 37 inch ones. Why they wouldn't take the sales guy's word for that is beyond me, but he had told them the same thing.

We found a nice model... but she wouldn't come home with me.. errrr.. I mean... of tv. Mom wasn't sure as usual. She has to question everything she buys. She will find a nice dress or blouse and will drive all over the countryside to find it at other stores cheaper, only to come back to the original store to buy it. The cost of gas these days, she could have bought two and still saved money. Anyway, she and dad both want to go back to Sears and down to the appliance store where they bought their last tv. Ok, so we go.

At Sears, they have a 40" on sale for cheaper than the one they decided on at Best Buy. Its the better model, with a noticably better picture and features. We grab a sales idiot... errr guy. He says he'll have to check stock as that sale ends today and they won't be getting more of those in. He goes away and comes back. They only have the display and on that someone had bought and found that their cabinet was too small. He will give us the 'opened box' one that someone took home for an additional 5% off the sale price. My thoughts "OOOOOOO snatch it up!" That makes it $150 bucks cheaper than the one they wanted at Best Buy... AND.. Its a bigger and better model Best Buy's. Nope. We have to go to the Mom/Pop Appliance store to check their tvs.

We got the the M/P store and they have like 12 tvs total. Over half are small desktop sets. The guy at Sears had called a couple of local stores for another customer but no one else had that model in stock. I expressed that we should go back to Sears and get the 'open box' one. Instead, we had to satisfy their curiosity and go to the Sears store in New Castle first. They didn't have it. They had the model up from it, but it was substantially more expensive as it wasn't on sale.

Guess what!? Yep, they decide to come back to the first Sears to get the 'open box' tv. Its definitely a good price and the best picture quality that we looked at. We get back to the store and the guy says "I'm sorry. I just sold it." I was a little bit torqued but didn't say anything. What really irked me was that my dad always finds these kinds of bargains. He should have known to snatch it up then. No, we had to run all over God's creation spending gas and time. Oh well. I guess now they'll have to shell out the extra money for the other one at Best Buy. One of other sales guys told us as we were preparing to leave .... well... ok.. Mom cornered him to see if there were any other sales going to be starting... that the reason that particular model was selling so well was its quality AND the fact that its Super Bowl time. DOH! There won't be another sale till probably Christmas.

Strange things people do...

I know we are all 'human', as they say, but I wonder how some people make the decisions about their lives. There have been several news articles of late that make me cringe about the status of our society.

In Youngstown this week, 6 members of a family were killed in a house fire. A house fire that was set by an 18 year old boy. The facts about the case haven't come to light as yet. Apparently this guy was seen or known to have been having issues with the family. Whatever the reason, this young man now faces 6 counts of homicide, multiple counts of arson, attempted homicide charges because there were other family members that did escape the house and he's now in jail with no bond or bail set. What was he thinking? I don't have a clue.

There was a car versus propane tanker crash this weekend. The driver of the car was killed in the explosion. Our local newspaper has an online subscription where not only can you read the article, but you can post comments about the story as well. The topic of all the comments was how inappropriate the picture and the article were in the way they were presented. Does anyone perhaps care just a little that a women died violently in this crash? It wouldn't seem so by the comments.

I know we all look at things from a different perspective and we each judge things based on that point of view. Some things are just too odd to explain.

Moving on to the next thing...

Moving on from the events of earlier in the week, I got into some deep research to find missing data to put in our server database. I had to break out the shovel to dig up some of the information.

One of the key reasons I've been pushing to get the database information complete is that we have a meeting with HP tomorrow regarding our support contract. I wanted to be up to speed. I received an email just before lunch that the HP rep had a death in the family and won't be able to make it. The database is up to par now. I will work to keep it that way until we can all get together with the HP rep and hash out the contract details.

On other fronts, it got kind of noisey in the room, so I broke out my headphones. I was working along in my own little daze, when out of nowhere, I realized someone had walked in the room with heavy perfume on. I'm allergic to most perfumes. My eyes began to burn and my nose stuff up. Ironically, I was feeling good this morning after spending the last couple weeks with a sinus infection. So much for that. I have my sinus meds with me, but they do little to halt the effects of the perfume. Its after lunch now and things seem to have settled out a bit.

I hate to say anything to the person, but it is a business environment not a dinner party. I guess if she is going to continue to work in the office right beside my desk, I'll have to have a talk with my manager about it. I won't do like one of the ladies on the Helpless Desk did. She was offended by the perfumes and lotions used by one of her coworkers. She has chronic breathing problems, so she went straight to HR. HR sent out a letter to the Helpless Desk advice against the use of such perfumey agents and also sent a bottle of unscented hand lotion to all departments.

I don't think I need to resort to those means. I'll find something a little more diplomatic.

Anger, Hurt, Acceptance

I have decided that I can't be angry with anything that has gone on. Well, not angry at anyone but myself for letting myself believe that things where other than that which they were. I will accept my part in this and burry the pain. It will be a marker for the future to remind me that this will not happen again.

I will give those who requested space their space. I notified them that a project I have maintained for them will continue to exist and I will update it as they request, if they wish to continue to do so. Our friendship has spanned 9 years and I don't want to completely wreck that at this point.

Where will we go from here? God is the only one who knows at this point. Hopefully, the time will come when I will find an appropriate target for my affections, until then, I will reign in whatever desires come about and hopefully keep my friend.

Ending a thought process

How do you end a thought process that has led you to believe in something at apparently does not exist? There is no easy way. Today, we came to blows. I was informed that my views are mistaken and things will never be the way I want them to be. So be it.

Things have come to light that I have been concerned about over the past year. Several times I have approached a decision that left me heartbroken, so much so, that I refused to believe that the situation could be any different. It definitely is different. Apparently, I was not being given key information in an effort to 'protect me' from hurt. I feel that had I known this information early on, my feelings would not have grown to this point. Instead, I was lead to believe that the situation was different. It was not done intentionally to harm me, but it has. Erroneously, it was assumed that I would be hurt by knowing that other things were going on. I don't lay all blame on my not being informed. I asked the status of our relationship on three occasions, once the answer was wishy washy, the other times things which happened after led me to believe that the answer that was given was to cover being scared or some other thing. This was a mistake on my part. I freely admit that.

The statement that was made that really hurt me today, was "Everyone has been instructed to stop being kind to you and tell you any truth you ask of them about me." This is the knife that has ended my delusion and possibly a long friendship. I constantly hear this person say they never lie. They once told me they would never tell me lies about things going on in their life. Well, that obviously isn't quite the truth. While omitting the information may have seemingly spared the pain at the moment, it has led to our relationship become much more strained than any individual disclosure would have caused.

They say it takes two to tango. I admit my fault in this as much as anyone Else's. Time will tell whether we remain casual friends or not. Until today, I would have answered that I would remain friends, now... I need to think.

Backing away to save a friendship

Things are still kind of rough with things in my friend's life. Yesterday, I was told by another of her friends that I was "hovering" and it was upsetting our mutual friend. I was told that this friend was upset with me and that I should heed her warning to back off or I would be told to F#$K Off.

I have a little problem with how this all unfolded. While I greatly appreciate my friend's need for space and will back off accordingly, I was angered by the fact that she sent her friend to tell me versus talking to me herself. I just recently told her that if she didn't want to talk about something or talk at all, all she had to do is tell me and I would understand. It hurts that she feels I'm hovering over her. Not long ago she was calling me every night after she left work. I had not asked her to. The events of these past few months have brought a distance between us that has affected our relationship.

I intentionally removed some of the friends from my friends list that were actually her friends to start. These are people I don't talk to often but consider them friends due to either getting to know them through her or talking to them since I met her. I did this for two reasons: 1) I don't want them getting drawn into the middle of things either by me or her 2) A comment was made about friends of friends last week, leading me to believe that there might be some hint of disturbance that I am talking to her friends. I don't want her to feel that I am spying on her or trying to keep track of her through them, so I feel this is the best.

I will pull back for as long as it takes. I won't say that it doesn't hurt. It does. Our friendship spans 9 years of good times and bad. I hate to lose it. I bit my tongue and did not lash out at her friend for interfering, although I had a mind to do so at the time. This would only have aggravated things beyond repair. I knew when this situation started that it was going to a long haul and there was a very good chance our friendship would end. I have worked diligently to avoid that. I hope I haven't gone too far. I don't usually pay much attention to horoscopes, but today's was an interesting one based on the events of yesterday.

For now, life takes a downward turn for me as I wait to find out how much damage is done. Sadly, All I can do is wait and see.

Started off 2008 real well...

You know your year is going to go really well when you are coming home from the New Years party with your throat so sore you can hardly swallow.

Since then, things have gone even better. My main drain to my house clogged and began backing up into my bathtub and toilet. My best friend doesn't want to talk to me right now because of things going on in her life. Like an idiot, I made a joke the other day and it didn't sit real well. She says she'll forgive me but she isn't in the mood to talk to me. I can understand that, I guess.

I don't know all details of her issues and I haven't asked. This is one of those situations that I don't really want to know what's going on. She started telling me things one evening after work and I questioned if she was telling the right person. We had been having a conversation about unrelated things when all of a sudden "boom!" I'll stand by her in what ever issues she faces, no matter what it requires of me, but because of the nature of this situation, I may unintentionally make her feel worse. I know in time we'll probably discuss it or at least she'll feel comfortable talking to me again. We all stick our feet in our mouth's sometimes. I guess I just pick some of the worst times to eat shoe leather.

I spent the week visiting her between Christmas and New Years. We had a pretty decent time. I enjoy travelling and like to go to the unique places you find along the way. We went up to Frankenmuth while I was up there. Its only about an hour from her place. I hadn't been there since I was a kid. Its known as Christmas town. The old German architecture gives the city character. Its many shops line the main drag selling everything from post cards to taffy, coffee to high-end art. I bought some sugar free taffy for the folks, a silly book for mom and some chocolate covered peanuts and raisins for me. We took some time to stop in to Bronner's Christmas Store. Its a huge store that sells only Christmas items all year round. We ate at Zenders Restaurant. The food was good and the servings were huge. We both brought part of our lunch home and ate it for supper.

Work has been going OK. Since I haven't posted here since July of last year, I should probably note that I've changed jobs. I am now the Project Manager for the Network Services Department. It was a new position. I have had to make up some of my own processes as I've gone along. The opening of this position was something new for everyone. There have been times where I have wondered if I made the right choice taking the position. Lately, things have been picking up as we all learn what the position can be used for.

Tonight, I'll slip off to bed hoping that things are OK with one I Cherish dearly. She is strong and I know she'll pull through these bumps in the road. I just need to give her time and keep her in my thoughts and prayers.

May all of you have a great 2008! Hopefully, it won't be another 6 months before I post again.

Choosing Life's Direction

Choosing a direction in life can be challenging, if not sometimes down right frazzling. The more I go through life the more I realize that no matter what choices I make, there are always more choices around the bend. Sometimes, I feel like the above sign. One part of me knows that I need to go right, but no matter how hard I try, I seem to always end up going the wrong way.

I'd always thought that by the time I was in my mid 30's I would have my direction figured out. I'd be set on a path that would lead to a happy ending or at least in the direction I thought I wanted to go. I never found that path. All along the way, I would look at the road map laid out before me and there would be my destination. Somehow, The closer I got to the destination I wanted to be at, the further away it seemed to be.

I thought I took all the right turns, but like getting directions from another tourist, I always ended up in what I thought was the right place feeling out of place. I felt like I picked up a brochure to a wonderful museum. When I walked through the doors, I was standing in dark burnt out structure once dictated by the artwork in my hand. All that I had expected to see as I walked through the equally well adorned doors was no more than soot under my shoes. The feeling of sadness swept across me. The bubble of elation that had surrounded me burst, leaving me exposed to the wind sweeping through the debris, blowing its blackness onto my clothes.

I try to think out my decisions, make the best one I can for me. Sometimes, my thoughts betray me and lead me to second guess what should have been the natural choice. Other times, things get thrown in my path. Distractions that should be easily stepped over. A branch here... A stone there... Sometimes it seems I am meant to stumble just to see if I can catch myself. Often, it feels as though the stones are hurdled at me with just enough force to try to turn me away. Bruise me just enough to send me off so that I am distracted from my goal.

I watch things come and go in my life. I wonder am I doing enough? too much? the right thing? Most of the time, I find myself simply questioning... Where should I go? Which way should I turn? Will this even work out at all? Am I just jealous of what someone else has attained? I find myself praying to be a different person. Someone who has let go of the restraints of the past and isn't afraid to jump into the pool headlong without debating whether the water is too warm or too cold. Too many times in my life, it seems I've waited until I was knocked off either one side or the other of the fence, to find out its pretty interesting down on the ground instead of withdrawn from the crowd out of the way.

Which way will I go next? Do I even know what choices are being offered? Am I standing in the darkness, gazing at the light coming through the embers of something that never was? Last Monday, I would have boldly answered that I knew what was going on. Today, I am twisted with the thoughts of possibilities that I really don't have any control over.

Lord, I pray you will help me gather the strength to put my legs back underneath me and give me the courage to face whatever lies ahead. I feel so lost, show me the way... please.

I'll Stand Right Here...

... where I belong.

There are times in everyone's lives when we run up against a situation that overwhelms us. It can be a serious health condition, an accident, problems at home or work or any number of other things. Whatever the cause we're forced to make decisions that we normally wouldn't make. These decisions are often driven by our need to protect ourselves from further harm.

When these situations involve emotional or family problems, they can be difficult to cure. Many times these types of problems fester just like an infected wound, until they are so bad that the cause of the original issues can not be found. The original hurts no longer even matter because the damage is so great. We do our best to make the best decisions so that the whole of the problem gets resolved. Because of the stresses associated with the problem, we sometimes unintentionally do things that make the problem worse. A problem that had appeared to be healing becomes reaggrevated.

It is within these times we often lose our support base. We even find that sometimes we didn't have the support we thought we did. These are the times we find who our true friends are. They are the ones that have seen us stumble. They watched us make a fool of ourselves. Even though they know every bad turn and slip up we might make, they keep picking us up and dusting us off. These are the people who are few and far between in our lives.

These types of friends not only stand by us to steady us, but sometimes even get drawn into the muck right along with us. They don't complain. They stand up for us even when we don't have the strength to stand. They take the blows and continue on. They shed tears for us just because they care. Why do they do these things? Because this is what true friends do. They love us unconditionally for who we are, all of who we are: Our good qualities, Our bad qualities, Our mistakes, Our weird ideas, Our successes, Our good and bad choices and even when we think we might have disappointed them.

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To the one who knows why this was written. I'll stand right here by your side... right where I belong. If they choose to judge me for that, then let them judge. If they feel I'm blind, they are correct for I refuse to see the transgressions they are so quick to point out as a reason to give up on you. When you feel alone and in the dark, I'm right here by your side... just reach out.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Did you ever make a decision and wonder whether that was the right one or not? I'm at one of those points in my life right now.

I think I made the right choice, but circumstances so far haven't pointed in that direction. I have a feeling that as things progress, friends who are now well wishers will become aggravated because of the position this situation puts me in. I don't really have a choice in the matter because no matter what choice I make someone is going to end up the loser. Me for not making the choice I should or them for taking the tasks to hand and playing out what is dealt.

I've actually thought a lot about this the last week as things have unfolded and projects were laid in my path. It seems every time an opportunity presents itself, little things crop up to try and trip me. Things like; paper work getting lost, unforeseen bills suddenly cropping up or people who have no business being involved in the matter, suddenly raising a fuss and delaying my life.

Tonight another one of those things cropped up to beat me over the head. I know that its probably just a coincidence, but the timing is impeccable. I planned a trip a some time ago to go visit a friend and do some things. I've done this trip multiple times without incident. Tonight, I ran over what appears to be a stone. It punctured my tire to the point I will have to probably replace the tire. Lovely timing.

I had given thought to not coming on this weekend trip, just because I had a strange feeling something wasn't going to go right. I've had this feeling ever since voicing my decision. I hope a flat tire is the whole of the problems. The weekend to relieve stress has become a thorn of its own. Oh well, I'm going to enjoy some time with friends even if I end up having to take the bus back home because my truck falls completely apart.

Now, I sit here typing this at 1:50 in the morning as the neighbors argue about who stared at whom at the bar tonight. It's a good thing I was already awake, because after the tire incident, I could probably give this group of drunken nitwits a piece of my mind. Fortunately for them, they are not my neighbors and I won't say anything as I don't want them coming back on my friend for having an idiot guest yell at them.

I'm sure this all equates to no more than nerves that I've made the right decision and in a few weeks I'll look back and laugh at the stupidity of it all. Until then, on with the party of green.

Happy St. Patty's Day

Animal Instincts

I know we've all experienced animals that seem to sense things before we humans catch on to them. We hear about animals acting odd before catastrophic events such as earthquakes. I was thinking more on an every day level, such as when an animal recognizes that someone is afraid of it.

I find it interesting that animals seem to know who is afraid, who they trust and who they need to stay away from. My best friend's cat exhibits this behavoir on a grand scale. When I first visited, the cat would only come out for a few moments. When he did, he would walk no closer to me than arms length. I might be able to get a quick stroke down his back before he would jet off. Mr. Cat has the well known habit of only liking his owner. She is the only one that can hold him for any length of time. He will curl up with her and ignore anyone else. If strange people are around, you'll have a difficult time finding him.

The last few times I've visited, Mr. Cat has shown an interesting new turn. He will now meander back and forth between she and I. He is even funnier when she and I are both sitting on the couch. He will lay with one of us for a while, then maybe the other. This past visit, he started laying between us. He stretches his body so that he has part of himself touching both of us at any time. He's a fairly large cat so even if she is at one end and I'm at the other end of the couch, he can still reach us both.

Ever since the first time I visited her, I've got the feeling that Mr. Cat might be a little jealous that I was trying to steal her away from him. Now that he's realizing that he is my friend as well, he seems to be more accepting of me. I can even pick him up now, all-be-it for a short period of time.

He got a suprise this weekend during my visit. We had a little New Year's get together. He hid when he heard strangers in the apartment. After a while, he must have recognized some of the voices. He ventured out. He hopped up on the end of the couch to greet my friend's cousin. He quickly came to the realization there were other people there and he bolted off to his hiding place. He did manage to come out later and hang nearby.

This is just one example of what I'm talking about, but it seems that most animals exhibit similar tendencies.

Fighting the skirmishes, battles and wars...

Everyday in our lives we face nasty little trials... I call them skirmishes, battles and wars.

These little trials come at us in many forms. Occassionally, we get into little skuffles with our loved ones, neighbors or friends. These are skirmishes, little battles that really don't end up being a whole lot. At the time they seem like the end of the world but never-the-less are merely bumps on the road we march. We often times find ourselves in greater conflicts. These are the battles. These are more important struggles that add up to knowledge. Unlike a skirmish, there tend to be injuries in battle. One side or the other, often both, end up batttered and bruised. It is from these battles we learn and grow. Hoping to one day win the war. The war is this trial we call life. It is made up of many skirmishes and battles fought along the way. We fight with ourselves or others. Each, hopefully moving one step closer to victory.

Taking sides in the battle

There are two sides to every battle, even if there are multiple combatants. Sometimes we get drug into the battle, even though we don't really want to be there. It is at these times that our side is chosen for us. We must fight to save ourselves as we are now right in the thick of it, like it or not. There are other times where we have no choice but to join in the battle willingly. We have chosen the side based on a decision to get involved. There are also the battles we choose to fight because of what or who we believe in. These are the most precious battles. These battles are ones that we choose to fight, not because of stakes that are involved, but because of a principle, ethic or friend that we feel we must save. These battles are not won by the number of soldiers that march off the field, but by the principles and ethics upheld at the end.

Winning the War is the main goal in any struggle. Often, its not the number of battles you won, but the quality of the lessons you learned from those you lost. In the end, there is only one victor.

May you learn from your skirmishes, gain knowledge from your lost battles and come out of the war stronger for the experience.

The Trick Is To Know Who To Treat

As tonight is Halloween, most of the blogs I looked at were posting their kids in costumes. I thought I would share my point of view on Halloween.

There was a time several years ago, back when I was in my early twenties, I thought a lot of Halloween as a fun time for little kids. My thoughts began to change as more and more older kids started showing up at the door. Our municipality started scheduling our Trick or Treat nights around the other local towns. Sixty to eighty kids became one hundred, then two hundred. We went from older teenagers to van loads of kids being dropped off from the open sliding doors of vans with out of state plates.

Back in the days before my bitterness over the greedyness of parents, I decorated my house with spider webs, glowing eyed skull candelabras and even a spooky music and some fog. I did a haunted arcade the couple of years I ran the game room at the mall. It went over great. I actually like doing that stuff. But alas, the whole neighborhood has gotten fed up with the enourmous influx of folks from outside the area. Now, we all go out for dinner at a local eatery during the hours of Trick or Treat. We make up treats for the kids in the neighborhood. We're not trying to be nasty to the kids, especially our own neighbors. It just gets a wee bit expensive to feed candy to half the tri-county area.

Tomorrow, we go back to being a normal lil burg preparing for the holidays to come.

Observation and Recovery

I noticed that this latest batch of flu/sinus infection garbage that is going around seems to be targeting a widespread base of folks. It appears I picked it up at work somehow. I took Monday and Tuesday off, having to call the Doc to get something to drive it off. I went back to work Wednesday, only to find the whole department sniffling, sneezing and coughing. Shhwew. Thought I gave it to them, but it turns out one of the equipment techs was complaining of it the week before. It took me until this week to really say I was feeling alot better.

I spent some time with a friend this past weekend. She was complaining of a sore throat early on. It has now turned to sinus infection. It would also appear that her cousin that lives with her and a bunch of her clan that were gathered over the weekend also are dealing with it. It can't be good when these little biological bugs start zapping folks who are gathered in the same room. I rule out any of the hugging and stuff that went on this past weekend at my friend's as my coworkers all shared it and we refrain from such things.

I wonder from time to time if we have made these bacteria and virus resistant to our medications by over medicating ourselves in general or is it just Mother Nature's way of saying we're tinkering too much with her plan. Science is a good thing and our knowledge of medicines has saved many lives. Nature, however, has a way of protecting herself by using a kind of adaptation that keeps things in check if you will. We see it in the animal world all the time. Species thought to be going extinct suddenly adapt and begin to thrive, sometimes to the point of impeding on us where we once were the impedament to them.

Hopefully, its just a passing bump in our wonderful development as a species. To all those who have this grand sinus thumping ailment, get some rest and lots of fluids.